Home is where the bike is

At what point do we stop going home? This isn’t some kind of existential probe of a mental navel encrusted with half-baked, self important cheesy life metaphors. There will be plenty of time for that sort of thing later. No, the idea of home shifts on foundations that prove remarkably yielding when exposed to distance and age.
Peaks November 2007 (17 of 36)Peaks November 2007 (31 of 36)

No longer is the Peak District home in terms of houses, streets, people or parents. And yet, there is a certain straightening of the shoulders, a thickening of the accent and a hiding of the wallet that’s triggered by entering the mortal Pearly Gates of “Welcome to Derbyshire“. But that has almost nothing to do with being here as a kid or a yearning for halcyon days; it is a contemporary recognition that the adrenal gland is about to get a good shooing.

Heretics may offer false Gods while talking up their own riding spots, but this rocky parcel of middle England represents the epicenter of mountain biking in the UK. And to quiet the wailing of those damned to ride elsewhere, let me explain why. You could persuasively argue that nowhere in the peaks lays out endless woody singletrack, or that it lacks trail variety or the sheer popularity of the national parks dulls the pleasure of riding.

And you know what? You’re absolutely right. But this place is like a traction beam to me – every time I hit the trails, I’m blown away by the elevation, the challenge, the bravery needed to conquer the rocky tracks and the rugged beauty of a three hundred and sixty degree panorama. You are not the king of the dirt here because every descent is an act of survival, every climb has the potential to break you, and the weather changes fast enough to render you cold, wet and frightened.

Peaks November 2007 (34 of 36)Peaks November 2007 (18 of 36)

It’s just about perfect and while riding bikes is great, writing about them can be repetitive. Or dull. Or if you have a certain talent, both. So, on a gray day, clamped in rain cloud and promising nothing but cold, flat light and windy bleakness, let me just tell you about the last descent of our ride.

This is standard Peak District fare – rocky avenues policed by slabby sleepers and rewarding pilot error with hard times on sharp edged gritstone. Even in the softer, southern Derbyshire Dales, you must relax your limbs but not your mind. Complacency or contempt will deliver the kind of pain which familiarity breeds.

And yet We were tweaking the nose of terror by testing our steely metal in hardtail form. Yet failing to match my friend Nigel, I cast around for advice on what I was doing wrong. “You’re just not riding fast enough” was a response that caused me to nod in a “good point, well made” manner.

Peaks November 2007 (29 of 36)Peaks November 2007 (3 of 36)

My badly written lines through sunken, rocky motorways – broken by glacial action – resembled a child following a particularly tricky dot to dot pattern. This awesome display of spacial awareness combines a fixed stare just beyond the front wheel, and a refusal to believe that the bike may be about a million times more capable than the pilot.

Flipping the mental mirror, I ignored the lesser lights of past performance and searched for some inspiration from a million airline movies. “We’re a mile from the car park, it’s raining, we’ve got five inches of suspension travel and we’re wearing sunglasses” seemed close enough as my friend Andy “John Belushi” Hooper sent three hard pedal strokes and a committed expression downhill at the speed of scary.

I dropped in behind and spent the next three minutes plagurising his lines in between remembering to breathe. The trail reeled out a rock strewn ribbon on a perfect elevation; steep enough to encourage floating over braking, but shallow enough to give up the height in lung busting longevity. There is an fat tyred myth that faster is better; lighten the bike through perfectly timed weight shifts, think nothing of boosting over a jagged drop into a cluster of loose rocks and brake only when every other option has gone.

It’s a high risk strategy on a single sprung end but it’s a good one. With speed comes gyroscopic effect and with that comes stability. Then you focus completely on momentum and lines; ignore what’s three metres away – you have a big fork and suspension limbs to deal with that – look up and out at the blur of never ending trail. Feel the bike spring and squirm in the great game of rock, bravery and wizards. Right now, that wizard is Andy and he’s picking insanely good lines at high speed whilst I’m doing nothing more than desperately hanging on to his splattered coat tails.

Internal commentary records the unfolding action: “fuck that’s loose, shift weight NOW, drop coming, shiiiiiiit, bang, foot back on the pedal, fade to the outside, pump that, lift over this, push hard on the bar and feel the carve, get back now, shit that’s the fork bottoming out, look up, look up, walkers on the trail, push left, push right, they’re gone, set up for that lip, bollocks it’s big, too late now, silence, silence, Jesus I’m a passenger here, hold on tight, gate coming up, brake, brake, brake HARDER, clip gate post and it’s done

And laugh. And thank God you’re alive and unbroken. And bask in serial hits on the adrenal gland. And try to distill why a cold day, a muddy facepack, a wet arse and a three hour drive home make this worthwhile. The sum is so much more than the parts, even when another friend tells me this descent broke the arm of one rider and sent another into the river on the same ride.

But so what? If I can’t do this then what is the point of staying fit, breaking bones, being an absent parent and treating too much stuff as Any Other Business? Answer, none.

Riding in the peaks is like coming home. There’s a part of me which never left.

A few more photos here.

Ghosts in the machine

Solo Nightride (3 of 3), originally uploaded by Alex Leigh.

Deep in the dark woods, shielded from light pollution, I extinguished the lights and gave my senses over to the night. As vision dies in a receeding arc of borrowed light, smell, touch and – mostly – hearing step up to create some context of your immediate environment.

Apparently such an act of lonely insanity can bring forth an epiphany of oneness with the trails. The surprise was not that no such tree hugging rush enveloped me; no, it was the sheer naked terror that came as a bit of a shock.

It started with a creepy perception of being followed. My light creates a halo effect which I became convinced started some ten metres behind me. Yet every time I looked back, the man eating beast was just beyond the pool of misty light. But I could hear it, because while stuff crashing around in the undergrowth running away is absolutely fine, Doppler registered inbound traffic is on the twitching side of scary.

And while your peripheral vision is blind, imagination peoples the dark spaces with monstrous creatures slavering for blood and heading your way. And the problem with this neural bypass of the optical nerves is the thudding conviction created as it arrows into the hindbrain. You might not be able to see it, but it is definitely there. And it’s hungry.

A slow puncture was the thing of nightmares. Muttering tube logistics to myself did nothing but fix my position, through a smoke stack of expelled air, into the cooling night. And while my brain was salving the adrenal gland with calm rationale, an older and more urgent instinct chose flight over fight. Abandoning a proper repair, a few swift pumps provided sufficient inflation to pump somewhat more vigorous pedal strokes, as I made craven haste to civilisation.

All this frantic pedalling made little difference to my actual velocity on the unicog. This merely makes you look silly assuming the frightened expression can be shifted from your face.

Mild embarrassment followed as I slunk back into the car park having survived the unseen horrors of the oppressive forest. And of course it is pretty childish to be afraid of the dark, of the horror that only you can perceive. And I’ll keep telling myself that while the memory fades of something chasing me through the night – waiting to pounce – just beyond the power of my light.

Night riding is lighting up the middle of my week and, grunting astride the Monstre Vert is not without some comic merit. But not on my own again – oh no because out there are ghosts with a ray beam.

Little and Large

SX Trail (7 of 6), originally uploaded by Alex Leigh.

The only similarity between the green monster and this trail zapping behemoth is they are both overbuilt to the point of indestructibility. Something I feel should have been part of my design specification, once it was clear that crash circuits had been hard wired into my frontal lobe.

Reducing the weight of the SX has been a bit of an obsession ever since, moving it one day, I honestly put my back out .£30 saw 2lbs come off the tyres, which at£15/lb was almost on the monetary responsible side of prudence.

Spotters badge though for the latest component upgrade/heft downgrade which is approximating at something closer to£250/lb. Still they did come in a rather fetching shade of black and gruel – 3 times a day – is underrated as a key element of a balanced diet.

Short of a subscription to Weight Watchers, there is little else to be done to slim it down further. And that’s fine because pushing it uphill is all part of my “hair shirt” workout routine forged on the crucible of stupidly that is the singlespeed build.

A second unicog night ride on dry trails (Yes! In November, thumbs up for global warming) confirmed this is a great handling frame mated to a painful gearing system. And yet, I was almost starting to enjoy it, even after one quite trying climb, lying supine on the bars with spots instead of vision, and gasping as a land based trout .

I could just ride the SX round the local trails instead. It wouldn’t be much harder. And almost as silly.

Don’t go looking for any hidden meaning in this post. I’m merely writing placebo until I can find some proper time to goof off.

Flash Boredom

Dark out there isn’t it? Reminds me of a story of an dying wizard who wasn’t ready for a tense meeting with the grim reaper, so instead cast about himself with powerful spells to ward off the coming of Death. Then on entombing his still living body in a coffin sized box laced with much magic, he allowed himself the smile of the smug just before a deep voice in his ear lamented cheerfully “Dark in here isn’t it?

Grumpy Mean Time is upon us and with it seemingly perpetual darkness than brings “The Coming Of The Idiots”. Ninja Cyclists I can deal with, but not the other 90{45ac9c3234d371044e23e276755ef3a4dde8f1068375defba7d385ca3cd4deb2} who labour under the illusion that flashing lights provide exactly that. If one were being particularly anal, you could argue that a flashing light is working exactly half the time and that’s the whole problem. I ventured out into the middle of what could only have been “persecute an epileptic” evening with the black punctuated by a thousand tiny flashguns.

It is no surprise there are so many bloody accidents. Those things are hypnotic – I found myself mesmerised as a sailboat driven by sirens to a rocky grave. I actually find myself siding with the poor sodding car drivers – optical sensors overloaded by the flashing sequence of random LED’s. “I was forced to run over the cyclist because he was doing my bloody head in” would seem a pretty sound defense argument.

I’m sat here hours later with retinal memory delivering laser strobes onto overwrought optical nerves. It seems my options are limited to:

a) Stopping whinging
b) A large roll of tape and some tough conversations
c) Some kind of bar mounted Electro Magnetic Pulse Generator.

I have at my disposal a beginners guide to electrical theory, a soldering iron, a car battery and unlimited Internet access. What can possibly go wrong?

I fully intend to write the Berlin/Hamster post if only I can solve the cryptic brainteaser that would magically flash the pictures from my mobile phone to the PC. Both of which are running Windoze. I’m starting from the assumption that this may be the root of the problem meaning some old school hammer and chisel action may be required to tease them out.

Frankenstein’s monster

Dialled Bikes Love/Hate, originally uploaded by Alex Leigh.

Pretty similar plot really. Mad bloke with access to tool shed attempts ambitious construction project while under the influence of rampant egomania.

The split in the storyline is where ‘Lightening Frank’ spent much time cackling amongst the test tubes, my friend – amusingly for this post being only a stein short of the monster maker in question – Frank and I tucked into a few beers and wielded complex tools in the manner of impressive professionalism.

Well Frank did anyway whilst I struggled to actually assemble the complex device to install the headset. For those of you with a thuggish nature, this is not a hammer and a bit of wood. So while one side of the barn was adjusting axle lengths and breathing on metal heavy calipers with a file, the other was swearing profusely and demanding to know who had translated the instructions from Chinese to English via Urdu.

Eventually the 2007 Stone Techfest wound down and I wound up sacrificing spindly legs on the altar of 34:17.You know how some bikes ride light – belying their heft through some spiritual nod to the Gods of Gravity? This isn’t like this at all although my component selection – based entirely on what was left of my old jump bike – probably didn’t help much.

With the anti-cyclonic storm season upon us, there is going to be little excuse not to ride it. Although I’m trying damn hard to find one. And, it’s getting a bit crowded in the barn which doesn’t augur well for Carol’s bike 🙂

When I get a proper minute, I’ll update you all on two days that can best be summarised as “Buggering about in Berlin”. Much of which involves a disturbing obsession with Russian Hamsters.

And it’s hello from him..

… and it’s goodnight from me. That’s my Bro on his brand spanking new Carbon-fangled Spesh whatsit with added widgets. I’ve cut through some of the marketing nonsense there.

We managed to fit in a cracking ride from deep on Dartmoor sandwiched between the old Tin Railway and the rather foreboding prison at Princetown. Much needed after the thick end of six hours of our lives were lost in a traffic jam stretching from Swindon to Taunton.

Dry, warm (after a chilly knee knocking start) and properly absorbing in the grin inducing, rocky sections. As usual, my woeful under-preparation supplied a bike with sufficient air in the fork spring for a man half my size, and a wheel bearing long since separated from any lubrication.

No matter, still great to sneak out on unridden trails between body-boarding, beach combing, a pasty appreciation tour and much other good humoured family stuff. I was rubbish at most of these things, more whale than shark in a wet suit but awesome in the pasties – brave, committed and enduringly stoic in the face of many and interesting varieties. “Duck and Plum Sauce Sir?” / “Go on then, be rude not too“.

Sadly that’s as good as it gets this week with the hated aeroplane demanding an early start and some practicing of my German. A whole two days in Berlin doing my utmost not to wag “last time I was over here was in a Lancaster

Assuming an element of string based connectivity, I’m all enthused over a post celebrating the noble art of coming second. I’m sure you can guess what that’s all about.

Do you know what it is yet?

Winter Project (3), originally uploaded by Alex Leigh.

Somewhere in this rambling pantheon of cast off idols is a 4th generation niche which fell so far from grace, Beelzebub himself may well be pedalling it through the gates of hell.

It was dispatched in that flag-nailing manner of “never again” that often secures nothing more than a petard* for one to be hung from. It’s in the bucket of lies which includes “I’ll never drink again“, “I’ll never send an email when I’m spittingly angry” and “That’s all the bikes I need, thanks

The aftermath of the first night ride of the winter suggests that Roger is a little too sensitive to be flung through the grinding paste that makes up the trail surface this time of the year. The PA is too fat in terms of tyres and forks, the SX is an insane enough idea to have me sectioned, and I’m twitchy enough already which rules taking the DMR out.

Winter Project (2)Winter Project (1)

The answer is there for all to see. But with my normal niche chasing madness, I’ve carved out a further fissure. Much of this genre are pretty light because they are missing what I’ve come to think of as “vital components”. Not this chunky monster, hewn from the mountains of heavy, draped with kit that satisfies two from the three “cheap, strong, light” matrix. However, it was essentially free and lucky buggers can’t be choosers.
Winter ProjectWinter Project (4)

An explosion of this parts bin shows me missing only a set of brakes and some transmission gubbins. So there is a very good chance the green monster may make it onto the trails in the next couple of weeks. That’s about as far ahead as I can see – it may become a cherished if abused addition to the burgeoning stable or it could end up in the skip.

Do you know what it is yet?

* What the hell is a petard? Some sort of Nautical term? Pretty safe guess since half the vocabulary of this country is from the sea and the other half from Shakespeare. Or maybe it’s a mammal? I have been hoisted from this twitching gerbil. Then again, maybe not.

“There is something of the night about him”

A famous insult once speared into the political testicles of Michael Howard. The strident weeble – occasionally masquerading as a human being – known to us as Anne Widdicombe authored the quote and she should know. I cannot believe the RSC are every short of a dumpy witch for the blasted heath, whenever the self righteous dwarf is in town.

But to Mountain Bikers, riding through the five dank, dark months between summer and spring is almost a badge of honour. We embrace the darkness, the slop and the cold because the alternative is not riding and that’s just silly. I appreciate this is a bit of a volte-face on my part, but levels of randomness and abandoning previously cherished positions is all part of my charm. Even so, while bikes work fine in the dark, motivation is harder to get started. For two years, my expensive light and bucket full of excuses reduced my night riding to dull and chilly commuting.

Last night, all that changed. And to ensure it was a properly exciting evening, I chose to ride a partially broken bike in the company of the fifteenth fastest man in Britain, on unknown trails mired in post deluge slop. And all this with a light of questionable reliability powered by a battery stripped of its’ power through two years of a commute/recharge cycle. Did consider going the whole hog and blindfolding myself as well.

As I made my last will and testament and waved a tearful goodbye to my family, the last rays of light slipped behind the low Chiltern hills, and I was pitched into the black night. Which was thankfully illuminated – after a brief electronic burp – by a whitening arc of HID technology. Ennobled by this, the first road climb passed quickly for Dean and Steve and some more slowly for me with the seeping chill through my gloves distracting me from broken suspension parts.

Still this began to fill like a good idea right up until the time when we actually headed off road. A fateful juxtaposition matched a patch of slippy mud with an ill advised light adjustment. This sloppy event broke what little traction summer tyres can provide, and it was the bushes for me as my role switched from pilot to passenger.
A slightly embarrassing start to the ride but fairly representative of the next fifteen minutes as I slid about in a parody of control, trying to match the light with the trail and becoming ever more removed from my riding buddies. Their existence was occasionally verified by crazy light beams stabbing distant trees some miles away. It takes a while to tune into the rhythm of the night – in twisty singletrack, the light points one way and the trail another leaving you to swiftly re-learn the art of divining the corner apex from dimly lit shadows.

And while every MTB’r can ride in mud – it is in our fat tyred genes – sliding sideways on corner entry is a bit disturbing until you remember how much fun it is. Speeds are lower than daylight, but concentration is higher. Picking out barely discernible lines, trusting momentum over vision and dodging woody collateral hanging from unseen branches. It’s a full mind and body workout and all the more worthwhile for it.

But it’s more than that. The woods are a magical place at night; moths trapped in high intensity light beams, the almost oppressive silence of the trees and the stillness of standing mute, lights off, listening the happy sounds of nocturnal mammals killing each other.

The final trail home, transformed by a carpet of muddy leaves, was no longer a high speed, jumpy singletrack gem, more a committed power though mud sucking traction – but it’s still good and it’s still a prelude to beer. A fantastic evening then and one I’m keen to repeat until the mud eats the trails completely. But on examining my rather expensive, Californian designed full suspension bike it is clear this may not be the steed for winter hooning.

Obviously, you all know what that means. You will be unsurprised to hear I have a project bubbling in the witches cauldron.

Flaws to Manual

Took me a while to write this. I’d lost my muse, but found it once more when light dawned on the inside of the beer fridge. And once I’d started, I couldn’t stop which is the kind of sticky scenario that every boy who has passed through puberty can probably relate to.

So snuggle deeper into your comfortable office chair*, feast on a biscuit if that is your want and come hither to learn the dark secrets in the art of light.**

Firstly myths, debunking for the use of. Santa Claus was invented by Coca Cola, the tooth fairy is your mum and automatic is for the people.*** If you don’t believe me, Google for the first two and/or get some therapy, but hold fast to the last one because we’ll be giving it an extensive prodding with the sword of truth later on. But first this.

Continue reading “Flaws to Manual”

Nutter

Pontification has often been the mother of narrative on the hedgehog and, as such, much time has been wasted invested on a nailed down description of a “proper nutter“. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, it seems as if I may have inadvertantly researched the definitive answer.

After a couple of ‘relief’ beers (post appraisal, again I have achieved the grudging distinction of “borderline employable“), the prospect of a fast ride home under dry skies and double digit temperatures was something to be savoured as the train edged slowly northwards. There is a sense almost like cheating when you are deep into Autumn but the riding still feels like late summer.

As I was accesorising myself with all things bikey, a bloke – my age and height but about half my weight again – enquired what I was doing. Somewhat nonplussed on the not insubstantial grounds that I was a shorts wearing, courier bag carrying, helmet affixing fellow with a clear two wheeled bent, I gave him a facial burst of stunned hedgehog.

He explained “no, I can see you’re going to ride a bicycle but isn’t a bit cold and dark?
No, the bike has lights, I have clothes, it’s all good
Well how far do you go then?” he fingerly podged in my direction still examining me as if I were a composite of a crack victim and a screaming mentalist.
About six miles
Does it take long?” he worried
Warming to my task “well it’s 21 minutes flat in calm conditions, add about 220-240 seconds for a westerly assuming it’s running at less than 10 knots. Hard rain can cost me a bit, cold a bit more until my legs are warm, anything over 20 knots and you could be up to half an hour unless it switches east in which case I’m a sail

I was just about to cross reference rain type with tyre choice and explain the need to do such a calculation with pivot tables, when I noticed he had the look of a man having triggered an avalanche by throwing an innocent snowball.

So instead I asked “What about you, car I guess?” with a smug twang to my question
Oh Yes, I live on the other side of Haddenham” he explained with a shudder as if his journey scaled unmapped peaks in distant countries
Confused I was all “but it’s a little village, that’s a mile at best, a lovely 20 minute stroll on quiet roads under streetlights, why would you drive? I mean, why?

He was edging away now as the train slowed to disgorge us onto the platform. His eyes worried this way and that. The stab of the door release spoke volumes of his need to get away from this hippy, who might be about to eat his car keys and invest him with the power of the lentil.

Doors open, he’s waddled off with a worried look over his shoulder. But I was doing nothing more than a gentle amble. You don’t want to get too near to people like that. They’re madder than a sack full of frisky badgers.

Be vigilant – they may pass at first glance as normal. Don’t make that mistake. The nutters are everywhere.