Kneed to know

On By AlexIn Other stuff2 Comments

Well the prognosis from the lovely – if quite headteacher scary – physio is that I’ll probably live. I much prefer her deep knowledge of all things mid-leg bendy, than the doctor whose diagnosis could best be summed up as “you’re old, now get out and stop wasting my time”.

It’s not all beer, skittles and bikes. Apparently the muscles surrounding the knee are weaker than a metrosexual southern cup of tea. This is probably due to the complete lack of conditioning I undertook after beating it with a spiky rock a couple of years back. I idly wondered if treating the inflammation with lager, and then riding the crap out of it while pretending it didn’t hurt counted.

Apparently not. Anyway I’ve a whole load of silly exercises to do, many of which I’m performing at my desk much to the amusement of the rest of the office. You see, to tighten all the appropriate muscle group seems to require a full on “pushing out a big turd” facial malfunction. A gurn if you like, but even more comedic.

Anyway dignity is nothing more than a long discarded relic of younger times, and if this means that I’ll be avoiding the man with a drill and a huge invoice, I am prepared to march naked around the office while sexually troubling the photocopier*. The next set of exercises are allegedly even sillier but I’m struggling to see how. Unless it involves the aforementioned photocopier.

To celebrate, on Friday I’m going to go and ride a mountain bike. First time for three weeks, but I’m sure I’ve lost none of my fabled fitness or awesome trail skills. You never know, I might even find some. This evening I indulged my other passion and walked up a big hill so I could park my glider in ANOTHER tree. Hawthorn if you’re interested.

The kids seems to think this hobby is actually nothing more than travelling the county to fall out of difficult trees. Still the bleeding will likely stop before the weekend, and to show my luck is on the turn, my other – newer and rather expensive glider – disappeared downwind before arriving at ground level well out of sight, but with an expensive crump.

Amazingly it survived unscathed which I am taking as a portent that in terms of divided medical opinion, I’m on the righteous side of the undrilled. At least for now 🙂

* I may have slipped this into my objectives for a bit of fun come year end.

Jumps’n’Bumps

On By AlexIn Bikes, Mountain Bike Riding, Other stuff, Photography3 Comments

The feeling of mental limbo never really left me this weekend. There was this great big HONC sized hole into which I kept throwing stuff; yet while my body was amusing itself with adequate distractions, my mind was still wheeling away in the Cotswolds.

And while I did consider a 48 hour full on sulk and grump, it seemed a shame to waste two days of fine weather, and a family that’s not seen me as much as it probably should lately. Although on Saturday I abandoned them again to wind out mental tension in big hills while crashing small gliders.

I even manged to fly the new, fast one which, being German designed, had a perfectly logical build process as long as one remembered to adopt the correct “installation position“. Being English, I’d wandered off the precise instructions to practice the art of wingtip painting. Practice being what I needed, as everyone within a five mile blast radius of the spray tin is now calling me “Mr Overspray“.

The tail – especially bad – looks as if I’ve spatchcocked a gerbil, such was the red splatter effect of the over enthusiastic paint dribbler. It still flew very well – even if I didn’t – although the last landing crash ripped the nose off. An arrival I am now thinking of as “The Michael Jackson”

The obstacle course I built for the kids on Sunday lasted all the time it took for them to become bored with it. So ten minutes later, I harvested some wood for my now insulated timbered erection*, and built an eight inch lip for the pair of them to roll over.

Abi not quite sure Committed

Which they both did rather well although Verbal decided – as she is nearly 10 and therefore knows everything – that she’d ignore my patient instruction to stand up, pedals level as she dropped off. Still at the end of an hour, it was her with the sore bottom and me with the knowing smile. Random just nicked her sisters’ bike and mosied on over with a look of not oft seen concentration.

Abi on the edge Testing the jump

I had to have a go. Obviously. Normally any photo of me riding clashes terribly with my own internal image of trail God. This one bucks the trend in no way whatsoever, but at least I’m looking quite thin. And that’s not just on top.

Whether that will continue after the scary Physio tells me off this evening, I’ll let you know. I’m so desperate to ride right now, I’m even considering commuting in the pissing rain tomorrow. One year, I’ll get injured in the Winter and not feel as if another summer will be lost to encroaching fat and decreasing fitness. I am very much hoping it will be this year.

* I am unlikely to get bored of this joke. Sorry.

HONC’d off.

On By AlexIn Bikes, Mountain Bike Riding5 Comments

It’s official. The left knee of an aging Al is going to require all sorts of external help, with the worrying possibility of being holed below the water line by a man with a drill. Deploying a displacement approach of “not asking a question you don’t want the answer to”, I’ve been avoiding doing anything about the increasing soreness for a few months now.

It’s always been a bit wonky. Made more so by that high speed impact with Chiltern flint, and a somewhat slower speed impact with a surgeon’s knife and much stitching. From then on, there was a low level background twinge, occasionally upgraded to a sharp “arrrghhh“.

Ironically, as my fitness has gone one way, the knee’s gone the other. And after a gentle commute home last night, I was pretty sure that any sort of riding was at the mercy of someone else’s diagnosis. Right now, that’s just the Physio and a bikey curfew which I am going to break. Unless it doesn’t improve, in which case it’ll be balancing a need to ride with the increasing likelihood of the aforementioned scary drill.

I’m understandably pissed off about it. Missing HONC after working so damn hard over the winter is one thing, the prospect of not being able to ride for … well … let’s not go there eh, has subdued even my normally optimistic – if naive – view of the world.

The only good to come out of this, is it has allowed someone else to participate who was desperate for a HONC entry, and he was good enough to chuck some cash at the CLIC-24 fund. That event is six weeks away, which doesn’t feel long enough.No way I’m missing that though. Even if I have to hop round.

If you’ll excuse me I’m going to go and drown my sorrows 🙁

This morning I was woken up by a…

On By AlexIn Other stuff3 Comments

… baby sheep. Oh don’t look so shocked, we’re men and women of the world here, and I’m sure we’ve all woken up with the occasional moose airily passing it off as the result of extenuating circumstances*

Years ago, I shared a house with three other student-y blokes, one of which had a year long unbroken record of notching the bedpost with a different girl every month. One Saturday morning he lurched white faced into the kitchen, and wailed that he had found a horse in his bed.**

We mocked him with the complete absence of evidential residue such as nose bags, piles of oats and hoof marks. He silently raised his shirt to show a marching line of indents that did look suspiciously equine.

Our belief systems were further shaken when emerging from his room was a women who had clearly been a horse in a previous life, and only narrowly escaped being one this time around. When she’d finally galloped off, he fell – a broken man – into a chair, and today still has a completely understandable fear of jodhpurs.

Anyway, the point. The lambs are out looking cute enough to eat. Which of course they will be before too long, but let’s instead thing of them as a springy trigger for my favourite season. Light until 8PM already, commuting without anything to warm the ailing knees, stuff exploding from the ground and the promise of a long, hot summer.

Okay the bit about the long hot, summer is aspirational but a man can dream eh? Although nigthmares are my current sleep thoughts of choice. Mainly around a very, very sore knee meeting 100 kilometers of hilly Cotswolds.

H’mm and indeed ARRRGHHH.

* An unstoppable shag fuel of alcohol and testosterone.

** Not a horse’s head. The Staffordshire Mafia couldn’t afford real animals and would instead substitute a nasty looking potato.

I’ve got WOOD!

On By AlexIn Other stuff, Photography5 Comments

Oh yes – feast your eyes on our huge erection. I accept it currently has all the aesthetic beauty of a WWII pill box and is lacking some weatherproofing and – well – a roof, but fuck me, am I glad to finally get something started. We seen to have been planning for ever, and my impatience gland was close to an uncontrolled explosion when delay followed problem which inevitably threw up some other insurmountable issue.

And always the budget spreadsheet went one way and my wine consumption the other. So yesterday I was mightily cheered when our Farmer neighbour unexpectedly turned up with his digger*, and removed most of the hated pea shingle in an afternoon that history shall record as “shovel-fest”

Ken and the mighty digger. When do I get a go.

I’ve no idea where it’s all gone – like all things here redistribution is the bedrock of the Herefordshire barter system, so some bloke will have a new drive while we receive half a ton of topsoil from a nutter mining for badgers.

Office. Needs some work. Workshop. Draft version

Anyway back to the building. It’s going to be great although it seems too big on the outside, and too small once inside. This reverse Tardis phenomenon is probably nothing more than a three dimensional mental shift caused by the staggering amount of shit I know we’ve got to fit in there. It was designed for eight bikes** and now has to house those, a proliferation of models, assorted associated crap and – of course – the restitution of the tool wall.

And is this resurrection of the blessed shrine to percussive engineering timed with the Christian festival of Easter a coincidence? I think probably not. Much work to be done before then including solving the brow furrowing complexity of electrickery. Apparently if my power requirements ever meet the physical world, we’ll be needing to add a sub station to our ever lengthening list of projects.

* Which sat around doing nothing while important decisions were debated over a cup of tea of three. I became bored pretty quickly and cut to the only question that really mattered “Hey Ken, can I have a go on the dumper truck?”

** You haven’t missed anything. Obviously Carol and the Kids have a rather disappointing one each.

Barbara Woodhouse

On By AlexIn Other stuff8 Comments

Now there was a women who took no shit at all when it came to training dogs. I remember watching, back in the eighties, with an uncomfortable feeling those supine hounds had been beaten with a big slipper before the cameras rolled.

Our dog would just eat that slipper. Last night he was reintroduced to both Puppy Training and half of his twelve siblings. I wonder if you are as unsurprised as I to hear that this combination augured ill for a set of technical exercises where the pack leader was expected to maintain absolute control over her dog.

Murphy spectacularly failed to sit, lie down, wait and heel. He did however hone his signature move of tearing off up after his brothers with Carol gamely hanging onto the lead. Sadly she was no longer standing at the time, rather ploughing a lonely full length furrow as the not-really-a-pup showed no obvious lessening of velocity even tugged down by a human anchor.

When commanded to “COME” he gave it the full “who me? you’re kidding right?” before disappearing in a twenty four legged Labrador scrum with an excitable whelp. The other dogs weren’t much better, but apparently Murf was a) extra specially bad and b) a bit of a ring leader in whipping up naughtiness in his brothers and sisters.

Carol returned with a look like thunder which she soon drowned in a very large glass of wine. The dog – obviously – just looked very pleased with himself. I’m not sure whether to try and train him properly or just attach a carriage and use him as a canine taxi.

Next week, my attendance has been mandated. Which consideirng my legendary low boredom threshold is unlikely to improve discipline. Still it’ll be nice for someone else to be in trouble for arsing about for a change.

And, on the upside, he’s not tried to eat any of the “Fat Four” chickens. On the downside, he doesn’t like raw egg, and they are starting to pile up a bit. So how many fried egg sandwiches can a honed athlete such as myself be expected to eat?

Does my arse look..

On By AlexIn Bikes, Mountain Bike Riding, Photography5 Comments

Okay it does. Right moving on, a couple more pictures taken by Tim “the lucky bugger with a new camera” Beresford. And for those of you pointing at the screen and beckoning over complete strangers for a laugh at ‘dwarf-leg-man“, I think you will find that I am riding in the new-school style of “crouching badger, hidden terror”

Indeed, this is a style that is well displayed here.

The smell of fear was wafting up from my ample behind I can tell you*, and I was very happy to have the big unit all the way back there. An over the bars exit would have been rewarded by a spiky meeting with some pointy ground and some optional groaning.

I did have a number of attempts at not riding that, and only managed to roll over the drop when bottling out became the more dangerous alternative. Quite pleased that I’ve not become a complete wuss, although those 2.1 tyres are perilously close to lycra in the wardrobe.

They’ll be off after HONC, as will I probably. My post HONC warm down regime is currently based around setting fire to every bicycle I own and buying a motorbike.

Anyway, in a break from Hedgehog tradition, here’s a picture of a proper rider. I quite like the way Tim appears to have gone all Praying Mantis over his handlebars.

* even if you probably didn’t want to know.

Eggcellent.

On By AlexIn Other stuff2 Comments

Finally AN EGG. After a week in which the chickens have consumed a gross ton of feed, laid around a thousand poos – most of them in their hutch* and a few in Murphy’s mouth – and wandered around in a vaguely charming way.

A rough calculation informs that we’re running at£63 an egg. Which tells you everything you need to know about the myth of self sufficiency. My firm – if uninformed – hope is this miracle of egg birth shall spur the others on through a period history shall record as “The Great Laying”

I must offer myself up as the blunt hammering instrument to Carol’s architect so we can furnish the chirpy little buggers with some improved accommodation. Unfortunately, it sits somewhere around 53 on a to-do list topping out at over 100. Number one of which is exactly how we’re going to manage the lower half of the house having added six inches to the existing slab.

My only current solution is to chop my head off so I don’t bang it on the door frames.

I would have taken a picture of the first egg but didn’t because a) it looked just like an egg and b) it’s just been eaten.

* It’s not a Chicken House at all. It’s a bijou rabbit hutch conversion that – from the sounds of vigourous pecking – may not be quite large enough for four fat chickens.

Spring rocks

On By AlexIn Bikes, Mountain Bike Riding, PhotographyLeave a comment

Asking whether the Malvern Hills can be a bit congested on a sunny Spring day, is a little like wondering if Tesco can get a little crowded the day before Christmas. It’s a small set of hills with a big catchment area – all policed by a bunch of people who seem to enjoy getting up on a Sunday and putting a tie on.

The hills are shared not only by walkers and mountain bikers, but paragliders, model gliders, sheep, protected woodland and more SSSI’s that you can shake a rural White Paper at. The result is 90{45ac9c3234d371044e23e276755ef3a4dde8f1068375defba7d385ca3cd4deb2} tolerance and 10{45ac9c3234d371044e23e276755ef3a4dde8f1068375defba7d385ca3cd4deb2} confusion.

Take this mad example; the Malverns are split in half by the county boundary between Worcestershire and Herefordshire. Apparently the Worcestershire council designated all their paths as Bridleways, but Herefordshire chose footpaths. This is even more bonkers when a scan of the OS map shows virtually none of either. The paths are just that, and I’m much more interested in good trail manners than I am with someone telling me where I can ride my bike.

Despite a bit of car park centric congestion, Tim and I had a fantastic morning in the further reaches of the hills. Tim finally cleaned this nasty rocky outcrop near the Wyche, and I managed the same on a decent down from the Worcester Beacon. We knocked off two thousands plus feet of vertical, and finished up in the pub, catching those early spring rays.

The trails are bone dry, the bikes are dusty and the speeds are starting to come up a bit. Obviously this is all too good to be true, which seems a good time to point you to next weeks’ weather forecast.

Ah well, I’m “tapering” for HONC anyway and if that isn’t a good enough excuse, my poorly knee certainly is.

Extreme LED sheep video

On By AlexIn Other stuff2 Comments

No I didn’t type that wrong.

Sheep on YouTube

There are clearly people out there with too much time on their hands. And I, for one, could not be happier.

The re-enaction of ZX81 tennis is, without doubt, the most amusing thing I’ve seen done to sheep for a very long time*

2.44 minutes of pure genius. Right back to work, I’ll try and write something amusing, soon. Although I’d be inclined to pin my hopes on “soon” and “something” 😉

EDIT: I’ve shown this to a few people, and there are those souls with no imagination in their hearts that say it’s a fake. I KNOW it’s a fake, I don’t care. It’s still brilliant.

* that I’m prepared to admit too.