It was there a minute ago…

… and now it’s gone. In a moment of vocational angst, I committed various ideas to electronic paper which – on sober reflection* – were probably a little close to the knuckle. In fact, any closer and it would have been just knuckle.

And I may have been on the receiving end of that noun had I left it abandoned at the windblown curb of the hedgehog.

If you really want a copy, send me an email. If I see it on the web anywhere, expect violence 😉

* It’s not often that a state of sobriety exists after 7:30pm, but today has been special in many varied and painful ways.

Dead Cats Society.

After many more tears this morning, the old cat was cast off life’s slipway in a fog of lethal cocktails. Carol, understandably a bit upset, sent me a text explaining “going to bury her in the garden and plant a tree“.

I replied back cautioning her to be careful digging burial mounds in the garden, what with all that body excavation going on in Kent. It’ll only take one net twitching neighbor to send in a police airstrike.

Somewhat worryingly, I have just received a message blandly stating “went a bit mad with the shredder but everything ok now“. Does this mean she’s buried the cat AND THEN shredded some waste, or have we fully recycled the poor dead mog into organic bark?

Still as someone kindly pointed out: not many cats get to bark. As an encore, you could cremate it and make it go woof.

And Lo, through the power of comedy, the healing process begins.

I’m stopping now. This post is dead and buried. Or possibly shredded.

You know that thing about cats having 9 lives?

Ours has clearly been living it up for the last 18 years. It is absolutely on its’ last one and so rapidly accelerating towards back garden burial.

Basically at 18, the poor old bugger has gone loopy. Shitting everywhere, lost the use of her rear legs, howling at the moon, refusing to eat. The vet has handed her back for one last night before administering a lethal injection first thing tomorrow. No point in any tests or treatment, too much stuff broken inside apparently.

The kids have never experienced dead pettage before. So I’m wondering what approach to take:

– Give ’em the facts. Cat dies tomorrow, make your goodbyes now.
– Pretend it might get better
– Offer up alternative cattage in forms of a kitten each when the old lass finally shuffles off to the great catnip in the sky.
– Throw loved family pet under a passing truck, dispense with vet bills, explain to children it was someone elses cat they’ve played with for the last 6/8 years, and now they want it back.

Tears all over the place in there. God knows what it’ll be like when a grandparent hits the buffers.

This is proving to be a trying 24 hours. I’ll explain why once the current crisis is over.

Happy Insanity.

As I’ve alluded to before, grumpiness is the lot of a professional Yorkshireman. In a strange quirk of personality, we actually become MORE grumpy if there is nothing in our lives worth moaning about. In the same way that phobophobia is the fear of fear itself, grumpophia is the fear of happiness.Watch any Northern news channel and it will all become clear: “Lovely weather tomorrow for the whole region, warm and sunny and it’s REALLY DOING FOR MY VEGETABLES. Global Warming my arse, I blame Lancashire“.

So when you’re already metaphorically horizontal in the happiness stakes, it’s very hard to be knocked down. For us the night is always darkest – not just before dawn – but at the exact point preceding pitch black. But my Northern brethren must grump on without me this week for I am suffering from a feeling scarily close to contentment.

Firstly I found a fierce enjoyment in riding through a six mile puddle under which the road now lay.I’ll write up last nights bathing on a bike experience later, but to summarise it just rocked 100{45ac9c3234d371044e23e276755ef3a4dde8f1068375defba7d385ca3cd4deb2} being driven sideways by the storm and constantly battered by the rain. When the house eventually hoved into view, disappointment rather than relief was my strongest emotion. If it hadn’t been for some well earned beers warming by the fridge, I might have gone round again.

And then today, financially destitute after a “close eyes, squeeze cheeks, confirm flight order” experience, I found myself giggling. Giggling for God’s Sake – I’m going to have my whippet forcibly removed if THEY find out and that’s almost as painful as it sounds. Yes in a ‘fuck the planet, we’re going anyway‘ approach to life, I successfully navigated the Air New Zealand web site (specifically designed to STOP you buying anything unless you have the persistence of a double glazing salesman) and secured 4 tickets to Christchurch in February of next year.

A similar sentiment around our travel plans was the basis of my argument with the school. These are the people who are thrusting lifelong mental trauma on my children by exposing them to the ‘knarled walnut under a dodgy syrup” that is Paul Daniels. The Xmas pantomime is Peter Pan with”did you like that?” (No, get stuffed) and his botoxed missus are the main charactors. If Daniels is playing the boy who never grew up, then the authenticity of the the play is going to be seriously compromised.

Anyway my robust defense of our right to remove the children from School on the not unreasonable grounds that it saves about three grand was accepted with all the grace of a man given no choice. So, for the moment at least, I’ll ignore the idiocy of forcing the kids to spend 90 long minutes in the company of a one trick pony whose pony died long ago. But right now, I am enveloped in the warm fog of contentment.

I fully expect this almost transcendental state to endure right up until the point at which the credit card bill drops portentously through the letterbox. So let’s review the symptoms then; One Yorkshireman receiving a proper going over with nature’s fire hose, the subsequent rain will have completely bolloxed the trails for the next three months, two to three bikes’ worth of cash has been handed over via the worlds’ worst user interface, and in just 11 weeks, twenty four hours of economy traveling awaits with highlights such as US Customs and hyperactive kids.

And yet this strange aura of happiness fails to be spiked by the grumpy gene. I can only believe it must be the start of a serious mental illness 🙂

Divide and Conquer

Citizens of Singlespeed world(tm) don’t really have much truck with reasoned debate. From the lofty high ground of the morally authentic, they are right and you are wrong. So not content with sneering at your geared weakness, they lampoon the physical frailty of those not residing in the land of the smug.

And because most residents of this world have OCD*, a certain mental rigidity defines the magic ratio of their official transport icon. Simply divide the tooth count on the front ring by two and you have your rear sprocket size. But even in the fundermentalist religion of 2:1, some worship at the altar of 32:16, some 34:17 and a few rebellious fanatics preach the righteousness of 36:18.

Thankfully I am merely wintering in Singlespeedworld on a three month Visa. So I can break the lore, and after four eye popping, knee crunching, arm wrenching rides on 2:1, it became obvious that I needed too. While searching for a new sprocket, a random forum post proclaimed that 34:18 was the “Gear Of Champions“. I almost missed this shard of heathen light, darkened as it was by the unicogged jihad insisting all that was required was to “toughen the fuck up

Sod them, fit that lovely big sprocket. And then ride a route to which the night brings a host of interconnected “evening bridleways” into play. This was a copy of a loop ridden earlier in the week, so granting a reasonably scientific back to back test of different ratios. First time out, the hills hurt just too much and, on occasion, I was forced to engage the 32inch pushing gear. Last night – after a day of miserable drizzle – it was a little sloppier, the roots a lot slippier but the climbs significantly easier.

Rather than approaching each long pull back up the hill with weary wretchedness, I have begun to quietly enjoy the challenge. Better still this extended jaunt into the vale of silliness reminded me that Mountain Biking is a four season sport, and that long, cold evenings are perfect for night riding on cheeky trails.

But when the days finally lengthen and the trails return to hardpack, everything with gears will waken from winter hibernation. Anyway I fully expected to be deported back to GearWorld(tm) once a proper singlespeeder reports me for riding on the – slightly wussy – Gear Of Champions

*One Cog Disorder

Home is where the bike is

At what point do we stop going home? This isn’t some kind of existential probe of a mental navel encrusted with half-baked, self important cheesy life metaphors. There will be plenty of time for that sort of thing later. No, the idea of home shifts on foundations that prove remarkably yielding when exposed to distance and age.
Peaks November 2007 (17 of 36)Peaks November 2007 (31 of 36)

No longer is the Peak District home in terms of houses, streets, people or parents. And yet, there is a certain straightening of the shoulders, a thickening of the accent and a hiding of the wallet that’s triggered by entering the mortal Pearly Gates of “Welcome to Derbyshire“. But that has almost nothing to do with being here as a kid or a yearning for halcyon days; it is a contemporary recognition that the adrenal gland is about to get a good shooing.

Heretics may offer false Gods while talking up their own riding spots, but this rocky parcel of middle England represents the epicenter of mountain biking in the UK. And to quiet the wailing of those damned to ride elsewhere, let me explain why. You could persuasively argue that nowhere in the peaks lays out endless woody singletrack, or that it lacks trail variety or the sheer popularity of the national parks dulls the pleasure of riding.

And you know what? You’re absolutely right. But this place is like a traction beam to me – every time I hit the trails, I’m blown away by the elevation, the challenge, the bravery needed to conquer the rocky tracks and the rugged beauty of a three hundred and sixty degree panorama. You are not the king of the dirt here because every descent is an act of survival, every climb has the potential to break you, and the weather changes fast enough to render you cold, wet and frightened.

Peaks November 2007 (34 of 36)Peaks November 2007 (18 of 36)

It’s just about perfect and while riding bikes is great, writing about them can be repetitive. Or dull. Or if you have a certain talent, both. So, on a gray day, clamped in rain cloud and promising nothing but cold, flat light and windy bleakness, let me just tell you about the last descent of our ride.

This is standard Peak District fare – rocky avenues policed by slabby sleepers and rewarding pilot error with hard times on sharp edged gritstone. Even in the softer, southern Derbyshire Dales, you must relax your limbs but not your mind. Complacency or contempt will deliver the kind of pain which familiarity breeds.

And yet We were tweaking the nose of terror by testing our steely metal in hardtail form. Yet failing to match my friend Nigel, I cast around for advice on what I was doing wrong. “You’re just not riding fast enough” was a response that caused me to nod in a “good point, well made” manner.

Peaks November 2007 (29 of 36)Peaks November 2007 (3 of 36)

My badly written lines through sunken, rocky motorways – broken by glacial action – resembled a child following a particularly tricky dot to dot pattern. This awesome display of spacial awareness combines a fixed stare just beyond the front wheel, and a refusal to believe that the bike may be about a million times more capable than the pilot.

Flipping the mental mirror, I ignored the lesser lights of past performance and searched for some inspiration from a million airline movies. “We’re a mile from the car park, it’s raining, we’ve got five inches of suspension travel and we’re wearing sunglasses” seemed close enough as my friend Andy “John Belushi” Hooper sent three hard pedal strokes and a committed expression downhill at the speed of scary.

I dropped in behind and spent the next three minutes plagurising his lines in between remembering to breathe. The trail reeled out a rock strewn ribbon on a perfect elevation; steep enough to encourage floating over braking, but shallow enough to give up the height in lung busting longevity. There is an fat tyred myth that faster is better; lighten the bike through perfectly timed weight shifts, think nothing of boosting over a jagged drop into a cluster of loose rocks and brake only when every other option has gone.

It’s a high risk strategy on a single sprung end but it’s a good one. With speed comes gyroscopic effect and with that comes stability. Then you focus completely on momentum and lines; ignore what’s three metres away – you have a big fork and suspension limbs to deal with that – look up and out at the blur of never ending trail. Feel the bike spring and squirm in the great game of rock, bravery and wizards. Right now, that wizard is Andy and he’s picking insanely good lines at high speed whilst I’m doing nothing more than desperately hanging on to his splattered coat tails.

Internal commentary records the unfolding action: “fuck that’s loose, shift weight NOW, drop coming, shiiiiiiit, bang, foot back on the pedal, fade to the outside, pump that, lift over this, push hard on the bar and feel the carve, get back now, shit that’s the fork bottoming out, look up, look up, walkers on the trail, push left, push right, they’re gone, set up for that lip, bollocks it’s big, too late now, silence, silence, Jesus I’m a passenger here, hold on tight, gate coming up, brake, brake, brake HARDER, clip gate post and it’s done

And laugh. And thank God you’re alive and unbroken. And bask in serial hits on the adrenal gland. And try to distill why a cold day, a muddy facepack, a wet arse and a three hour drive home make this worthwhile. The sum is so much more than the parts, even when another friend tells me this descent broke the arm of one rider and sent another into the river on the same ride.

But so what? If I can’t do this then what is the point of staying fit, breaking bones, being an absent parent and treating too much stuff as Any Other Business? Answer, none.

Riding in the peaks is like coming home. There’s a part of me which never left.

A few more photos here.

If the Hedgehog designed tube tickets..

… they would all look like this

From

Well actually, I’d go and employ the guy whose idea it was. Not a huge fan of creative types who get all angsty over font type and pixel size, but this is genius.

For a slightly more edgy approach to comedy signage, the one dimensional concept of stickering “fuck” on otherwise boring public information posts is way more compelling than it really should be. Obviously it’s not work safe, although the URL http://www.fuckthiswebsite.com/ probably tells you as much. I refrained from making it a clicky in case a random mouse prong triggered an impromptu – and difficult – conversation with your IT security people.

As World Dictatorship heads every closer, all the pieces are starting to fall into place 🙂

Take my phone away.

A flurry of email (and the joy of that noun is it could mean one or one thousand, I’ll leave you to guess but here’s a hint – start low) requested, nay demanded, to know what fiendish technology was responsible for a grainy facsimile of the Reichstag Dome.

It was none other than my latest dumbphone(tm). This one, from Nokia, appears to have been upholstered in cowhide, equipped with sufficient processing umph to operate a light switch and, boasts a camera with a plethora of creative modes. Of these, I tried just two; the first of which produced these rather average efforts.

25102007(012)25102007(015)

25102007(016)25102007(003)

The second, labelled a rather refreshingly simply “night mode” worked in exactly that manner. Ten pictures of a fetching neon lit city skyline all destroyed by some rather brutal post processing. The similarity between exposures was startling – think “black cat in a dark cellar, blinking” and you are getting pretty close to the compositional mood there.

I assumed that, in a market chasing niche, the R&D guys glued the camera, on deadline day, once all the proper functions of a working telephone had been been rigorously tested. An assumption that proved to be the equivalent of “Night Mode” in terms of its ability to stand the white heat of real world usage. Striving for an upside, the phone does offer the same level of consistent crapness trailblazed by the HTC PDA thingy in a package about half the size.

Probably not great as a sexual metaphor but certainly less intrusive in my trousers.

Curses!

Mike “Elbows” Davis, the esteemed and much photographed editor of BikeMagic, has collated the combined assemblage of the lucky few attending Seb Roger’s MTB photography course and written it up here. Some excellent photographs from my fellow snappers but, if pushed, Kate’s seem to take the top prize. More than impressive since she’d never handled a D-SLR before the weekend.

Thankfully my tasteless joke filter cut in just in time there.

But enough of others and back to me. In what I’m supposing Mr Davis feels is an amusing jape, a huge Monks’ crown of my lush thatch (second outing of the filter) has been hilariously removed from this photo.

From www.bikemagic.com

That suggests I don’t so much need a comb-over as a hat, a hairpiece or an admission that suncream is soon going to be an all-head experience. Still with Christmas only a mind numbing eight weeks away (and already labotomised nutjobs are sporting festive hats – for which I have yet to devise a punishment painful enough), it seems my present is already in the bag. Or, to be more anatomically accurate, on the head.

Oh yes. It's me alright

Any sexually ambivalent undertones? Or all proper manly, as befits a rugged outdoorsy sort of fella such as myself? And would this be classed as “appropriate office wear” I wonder? After the incident with the chicken suit, I’d probably better check.

EDIT: A poll of my immediate family brought forth the naked truth stumbling into the light. The choicest comments were: “not quite completely bald yet Dad. But close” and “What we used to call a Monkeys’ Bum Hairstyle“.

So glad I asked.

The Empire Strikes Back

Flickr Picture

It has taken ten days to admit to myself that there is no amusing simile of “Take My Breath Away“. Which is a bugger since it was a perfect 80s Pop hook into this post and, possibly the most interesting thing therein. “Make my breath OK and “Slake my thirst away” burned way more mental cycles that could have been better spent on work related matters.

And they were still rubbish – luckily inspiration struck while lolling on the sofa having inappropriate fantasies about Carrie Fisher. Is it just me?* Allegedly** George Lucas originally modelled the Empire on Nazi Germany and that’s pretty obvious when you see the uniform Stormtroopers and universe domination policies. For the hard of understanding, I reckon he should have given Darth Vader a funny mustache and an Austrian accent.

But dodgy Berlin references aside, the city itself is really rather lovely nowadays. The post war Marshall plan allied to inspired and joined up architecture makes the cityscape a rather compelling whole. But first I had to get there. A lack of amusement is almost de rigour for air travel nowadays but the “London airports still provide at least some geographical hilarity. London Stanstead if really West Nofolk, London Gatwick is Reigate south and, in a couple of drafty warehouses, mired in the backwater of Bedfordshire can be found London Luton.

Now Heathrow and City airports are geographically consistent with the capital, but their proximity to London is nullified with their approaches being blocked by a traffic funnel stuffed to capacity. Luton (or GM factory perimeter as I think of it) works for me; it’s 45 minutes +/- 15 unless an elephant has escaped from Whipsnade and is rampaging over the local roads. The taxi driver navigated via narrow ‘b’ roads, the aforementioned entrance to the animal house and – apparently – random back gardens. But since the journey included no M25 or histrionic BMW drivers, all was good.

And it got better, the check-in bucked the current trend of some endless, mazy corridor starting outside the building. No one rugby tackled me for attempting to breach security with a potentially lethal bottle of water. Exchanging money was a transaction much improved by this cheeky couplet: “Going to have any time off for fun sir“/”No I’m going to Berlin to spend two days with some Germans“.

The security bod guarding departures was clearly DJ Jazzy Jeff in his spare time and pronounced my boarding pass as “wicked” while flashing me a smile from behind funky sunglasses. And on being frisked, my frisker asked if I could smile at the gun toting police as “they get a little down when they’re not allowed to shoot anyone“. Obviously the plane was still late since a passenger couldn’t be arsed to board way after his luggage already had.

Cheap landing fees means Berlin Shoenfeld is the London Luton of modern Germany – a cartographist would have better placed this windy airstrip in the southern suburbs of Hannover. And while flying Easyjet meant buying my own beer, the anarchy of the seat scrum and rumble more than made up for it.

So two days to follow in Berlin – a city with a little too much efficiency and not quite enough humour. I try to provide my own by randomly translating a language I can barely bastardise to hurdle important language obstacles such as where to get a drink. For example a 20 foot billboard for the local newspaper promised “Ihre Nachrichten. Heute Geliefert!” which instantly babelfished to “Genuine Russian Hamsters Available. Ready to Use Today“.

This provided sufficient entertainment to launch me into the pre-conference all you drink buffet. As usual, I’d given myself a stern talking too, focusing on a rich hinterland of frequent embarrassment and invoking drinking rule#2. Rule#2 goes like this: “When you’re on the company dollar, behave yourself, stay out of sight and turn up on time“. Not as raffish as Rule#1*** but far more likely to save you from a potential Career Ending Move.

And, EXACTLY as usual I waded into the event – jostling barwards through hoards of my betters – like a man with exactly one day to live. I was saved from anything other than a mild headache by two factors at play; firstly the lateness of my arrival has put given everyone else an opportunity – which to their great credit, they seized with some aplomb – to enter the state of the mildly catatonic. And secondly, my Yorkshire accent may have hidden any slurs as I performed random human Googles on peopled name badges, who had previously been only rather flat email correspondents. This allowed me the luxury of rocking up, shaking hands and breaking the ice with “”Ah you’re Bob Smith, nice to put a name to a face, is it me or is that an advert for Russian hamsters?

Such tactics saved me from having to fabricate a tissue of lies involving a drunken twin brother and a terrible case of mistaken identity. So after a day of being stuffed in a never end conveyor of food and a similar level of presentations, I was ready for a good, hard lie down. Sadly that was an option not available as our ever efficient hosts took us on a walking tour from the Hotel (which was previously bisected by the Berlin Wall and that must have made breakfast a bugger: “Quick, get a move on otherwise we’ll be machine gunned for stealing crumpets“) to the Holocaust Memorial (extremely poignant, guide apologising for the war, really quite moving) to the Reichstag (burnt down THREE times only the once by Lancasters).

Dinner was served in the dome balanced on the Reichstag, after a chilly tour of what I’m thinking of as the battlements. You cannot but notice how clean the city is, how integrated the architecture and how proud the people. London has none of these things but it does have a certain zest, an arrogant belief in its’ own importance and the thick end of ten million people trying to make your life miserable. The polarisation of these two great cities is that one looks forward while reflecting on its’ past, while the other glories in history and makes assumptions about the future.

It’s almost enough to persuade me to learn German properly.

* I had the poster and everything
** I read it on the Internet so I know this to be true.
*** Al’s Drinking Rule#1: “Life is to short to drink with assholes