I have been reading extensively on the history of politics, and the emergence of new nation states in preparation for my coronation as World Dictator. Today is a great day as my campaign funds have been significantly swelled by a lucky win on the Nigerian Lottery. So in addition to 50p, an IOU from the children and a collection of slightly used cycling assets, a further 13.9 million euros was added to the fund this morning. I merely need to affect some tedious administration around bank accounts and the money is all mine!
And since I understand the inner workings of democratic governments, I shall merely bribe, cajole, bully and blackmail my way into power. It’s worked since 1945, so I’ve no reason to doubt I’m a shoe in for President Of The World before the year is out.
First order of business is “The List”. Rather than muck about with all this airy-fair manifesto nonsense, I’m going to create macro policy based on a to do list. It’s served me well in the world of work, so it’ll be seamlessly transplanted into World Affairs without wasting any (of my) money on policy think tanks, strategy groups or finance committees.
Let’s face it, I can hardly do worse than this bunch of muppets, and I’m going to be the cheap alternative. A few cronies, a head of cheese, a man to provision the scorpion pits and a fridge full of beer. So to the list, let’s start with things that will be outlawed, shot or destroyed in a cruel and sadistic manner:
1) Wood Pidgins
2) The 3 year warranty
3) The 0553 from Ledbury to London
4) Singlespeed bicycles
6) The M25
7) A man called “Tony Jones” from Nissan UK Customer Service.
8) Calories in beer
9) Reality TV shows
10) Fat people
I accept this list looks a little personal and biased towards some of my recent experiences, but the thing is it’s all doable. So rather than focus on the negatives, let’s look at what we could replace these blights on society with:
1) Bird than don’t make a sound at 5am like they’re being bum raped
2) Unlimited Warranty (to be first introduced by Nissan) for all components, especially French ones
3) 0930 with beds, complimentary breakfasts and no delays. Ever. Punishable by being run over by the late train.
4) Gears. Wow that’s one done already. Superb start for the new team.
5) Helicopters for all worthy individuals in the new state
6) Death Race 2000 for real. Build some grandstands, a burger bar and let free all the frustrated reps in a last man standing battle
7) A soothing and sympathetic voice explaining “Yes Mr Leigh, you are so right, let us supply you with a brand new car”
8) Beer as a compulsory condiment to every meal. Wine can be substituted
9) Round the clock re-runs of “What a top bloke Alex is” in the full glory of the original 47 episodes
10) Thinner people who don’t complain about glands.
I don’t want go mad and bite off more than the scorpions can handle, but feel free to get involved in the policy debate. But be clear the Tony Jones principle is non negotiable. I’m personally selecting the spiders for that individual.