One lump or two?

Barging into the house earlier this evening, I bypassed the traditional social convention of enquiring to the wellbeing of my family by melodramatically declaring, “I’ve got a huge lump!“. My wife reacted with her normal stoicism of all things medically Al shaped and wondered aloud if it may be a reenactment of the first Alien film. She sounded worryingly keen that this may indeed be the case.

Undeterred I stripped off and proferred up the spiky shoulder, now somewhat at odds with its’ previously identical twin. “Look, Look, it’s got a great bit bloody lump in it. A mouse could ski down that or maybe someone has grafted a second nose on” I whined while indicating the offending conical aberration. Stripped down of a thin veneer of concern, Carol’s analysis was that it was far too late to do anything about it, and if it was in some way buggered, it was unlikely any medical professional would recommend a treatment of traversing the Atlas mountains with it.

That’s me told then.

The story behind the spike began earlier in the day when – for the first time – I luxuriated in the joy of being able to raise both arms to shoulder height. I chose the communal changing rooms to attempt this previously eye watering position having warmed up by removing all my clothes. As I was giving it the full De-Caprio “I’m the king of the world” stance, the security guard wandered in for a slash.

My rhetorical barked question “What the fuck is going on with that bloody thing then?” was met with a laconic “hey man, I wouldn’t worry about that little thing when you’ve got at least one other little thing that looks a bit more serious. And smaller“. I’m assuming he was referring to my rock hard abdominals or some such bodily item.

After ten days since an attempt to burrow single handedly to the earths’ crust, there has been some improvement. I can now open any doors marked pull in an ambidextrous manner but those offering entry via a simple push are right hand drive only. I can select second gear, but cannot easily turn the radio on unless I’m prepared to use my nose.

Most importantly, I can just about ride a mountain bike in a wonky manner (so no real change there then) but turning left is now a mental and physical issue. This could be a problem in Morocco where rocky cliffs offer a thousand vertical feet of alternative trail for those not able to hold a line.

I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’m taking sufficient duct tape to be strapped to the bar. Whether that’s the handlebar or the nearest bar selling anything sticky and alcoholic, we’ll just have to wait and see.

5 thoughts on “One lump or two?

  1. Nuggie

    Should we start calling you Quasimodo?

    Think of it as natural body armour in preparation for the Atlas mountains 🙂

  2. Barney

    I *do* like your blog, Alex

    It reminds me that there are people in this world considerably more accident prone than I am – and that’s saying something 🙂

    I trust this thing isn’t actually a broken collarbone or anything – in my experience you’d be bleating rather more loudly if it were.. unless you’re incredibly hard.

    ..nah

  3. Alex

    Well I did try and tell the doc originally that maybe I was just being incredibly brave and that’s why she didn’t think anything was broken.

    Don’t think it is collarbone. Could be something more shouldery. Amusingly, it’s worse when trying to sleep so currently managing about five hours a night which has totally fired up the inner grumpy.

    Need to pack for Morocco tomorrow. Dunno if I’ll bother taking the bike 🙁

  4. Grahame

    Take the bike. You’ll regret it if you don’t, and it’ll be nice for the others to have a spare available to them.

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