.. the wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. I’m pretty confident about that, because no sentient being could own two bikes and thirteen wheels. This baker’s dozen revolve around brake rotors, tyres and cassettes in a three dimensional model, on which entire new fields of mathematics are being founded.

And because my logic is merely stupidity sent to college, the critical path between too much stuff and an the end of a cheap eBay listing day has all gone a bit nuclear. The main problem is the French. As if you needed to be told – specifically a set of pre-loved wheel adorned with not-much-loved scars. After much twitching for the big hammer, the following has become apparent.

1) French wheels sulk. Send a cassette into the front line and they wobble like a Cheese-Eating-Surrender-Monkey.

2) The part which apparently will stiffen their backbone is about as rare as a moon drill. And slightly more expensive.

3) My bidding frenzy to secure them could have been better spent finding a cheaper set on a well known bike forum. Had I not been gripped in the kind of competitive financial deadlock which can easily lead to “Anyone know where the deeds of the house are?”

I amazed myself by pulling back from twatting them with a table and instead bowed to the received wisdom of the Internet. An experience which very much put the table back into play, if any of these virtual heroes ever feels to urge to impart their advice within striking distance.

So having failed that, I’ve locked everything in the shed hoping somehow the broken bits will be transformed to something all shiny and working, by a process of osmosis from my last assembled bike. Which is a road bike reveling in splendiforous operation inversely proportional to the amount of time it’s been Spannered By Al.

In the meantime, if anyone needs seven assorted wheels or a dead hamster*, don’t hesitate to get in touch.

* not a real dead hamster. But we might be able to manage a bunny rabbit. Or unidentified entrails abandoned by the cat after dispatching a very stupid bird.