Fucking hell..

.. I am aware that swearing is lambasted, by those with gene-baked condescension and leather patched elbows, as substituting poorly for a limited vocabulary. And I know – my mum for one – there are many normal people, who have noses for purposes other than looking down, agree with them.

I’m not one of them. It’s a mental steam valve which relieves the pressure of a world tilting ever further to the arse biscuit side of sodding irritating. If we could just reclaim the centre ground of pragmatism, it would be perfectly acceptable to suggest to almost anyone “You are a world class F*CKWIT. I’ve met far more intelligent C*NTING ferns. I’d put my F*CKING house on your inability to locate your C*NTING ARSE with both BLOODY hands and a F*CKING copy of Grey’s C*NTING anatomy

Through the shadowy power of latent parenting, I’ve gone with censoring stars but you’d hardly have to be a crossword wizard to work out what I’m talking about here. Remove the madness of political correctness and all will be well. And anyone who responds to an outraged – but perfectly crafted – fucking hell with “Why, when there are perfectly good beds in heaven?” shall be killed instantly. Both for the their ludicrous pretension at what lies beyond the pearly gates, and for being an prissy dog-lobber.

The reason for my base exclamation was the realisation that old hedgy is on an unprecedented third orbit of the planet. Even when you consider a new vanity publisher spears the blogsphere every second, and the certain truth that content is not even lightly tethered to intelligence, that is still somewhere beyond the furthest tenets of sanity. But rather than distress upon the past, we must look to the future and wonder how long can I possibly continue writing this drivel.

I was going to stop at Christmas but then became annoyed. And then new year sprung a new river of angst. Then I checked out how much real therapy costs and, frankly, that’s a fuck load of beer. Maybe going cold hedgehog with three weeks away in New Zealand might do it, and yet I’m already looking forward to spamming you all with a million pictures of children being hung over gorges and told to behave.

Right enough of wasting my Friday night writing this. Although wasting is a descriptively a little light as the beer fridge door has been seeing some action. Which generally leads to an orgy of expensive bike fettling. Just to be clear, the parts and frames were expensive before “Drunken Al and his Twirling Spanners” were loosed upon them. No where in the instructions for fitting a front mech are “Neck four bottles of beer before starting”.

And since we started with swearing, I’d better finish with yet more beer that my eldest – and almost antique – brother shall be necking to celebrate his 9 millionth birthday. I’ve emailed him to caution against a birthday riot of coke and hookers as he’s no longer the young man he thinks he is.

The hedgehog actually hit a toddling two on January 5th. But it is like British Rail* in here. Arriving eight days late, this post is statistically on time.

* Re-Nationalisation of our railways has been undertaken by stealth. And through the intelligence and integrity of our political class, we now have the worst of both worlds. For further study, see Foreign Policy, Domestic Policy, Tax System, Health Policy, etc. Oh God, this is why I don’t do politics. Because drinking for breakfast is ridiculously stigmatised.

3 thoughts on “Fucking hell..

  1. If the railway venting is running short on steam read this….

    CTC Station of the Year
    Winner
    Chiltern Railways
    – Haddenham & Thame Parkway Station
    Chiltern Railways understands the need to develop sustainable cycling initiatives and that working with groups connected to the local community, such as the ˜Haddenham Safe Walking and Cycling Group™, is the best way to deliver them.
    Chiltern is providing an opportunity for the community to have a strong say in how their station can be developed to meet their transport needs.
    Haddenham and Thame Parkway effectively highlights this.
    This entry shows what a small station can do by working with local groups and catering for local needs to deliver an excellent example of the benefits of collaboration.

  2. nickc

    “No where in the instructions for fitting a front mech are Neck four bottles of beer before starting”

    You converted the Wanga to gears already?..

  3. Alex

    Andy – I shall burn down that station tomorrow based on your post. Actually, I won’t as it’s the one I use and the coffee shop is ace. The rest of the experience is bloody dreadful tho.

    Nick – No, I was “fixing” the PA. Before about an hours effort, it only had 9 gears.

    Now it has 4. A triumph I’m sure you’ll agree 😉

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