Flick of a switch*.

The headlines this weekend are laden with predictions of global recessions and doomed economies. And, unlike those purporting to be in control, I have a plan to help. The time has come to turn the Internet off. On first glance, this may seem a little radical, but difficult times called for desperate measures.

So desperate possibly, yet underpinned by flawless logic. Because if we take the hedgehog as a microcosm of everything that is wrong in this work-shy land, the implications are staggering. Of the 500 hits per day, say 10{45ac9c3234d371044e23e276755ef3a4dde8f1068375defba7d385ca3cd4deb2} actually spend five minutes reading something. Although half of that 500 only hang about long enough to trip the Spam filter with offers of free girl-on-girl mud wrestling pictures**.

Now assume that this plays out three days a week and we’re looking at a total 450 minutes per week. Multiply this by a years worth of weeks – stick with me here, we’re nearly done – and divide that total back into days to deliver a damning verdict on slacking. I know most people read this at work so – at best – TEN MAN DAYS of effort are lost just reading this blog***.

And when you consider this blog is merely bottom feeding at the edge of the great ocean of siren like content. So if double digit working days have gone reading this blog, how many wanking days have been spermed up the wall by the greatest success of the global Internet. So hit the big red off button and watch sales soar for Playboy and Hustler.

And there are other less obvious benefits; people would have to start talking to each other again, shops would be more than electric store fronts, the post office would suddenly become hugely important and – best of all – MySpace would close leaving gromitts to whinge in their own bedroom.

Obviously once the new order is ushered in on the back of this vote winning policy, certain trusted individuals shall retain access. Including all my loyal lieutenants.

Right who’s with me? 🙂

* Famous rock band. First singer died chocking on his own vomit. C’mon, how many clues do you need?
** They weren’t much good.
*** I know this to be correct as I have had my maths checked by an eight year old.

3 thoughts on “Flick of a switch*.

  1. Alex

    Right. So I suggest a forward thinking policy to stave off world recession and get precisely bugger all response.

    However, if I post “let’s roast all the fat people”, you can’t move for readers elbowing for a space at the skewering table.

    I’ll shall modify future content accordingly 😉

  2. Grahame

    I’m with you*.

    It was AC/DC

    *Can I have a pack of cards** to help pass the time when the internet is destroyed, please?

    **Preferably ones with pictures of naked women on them, thus fulfilling the two main uses of the internet*** in one handy pack.

    ***According to surveys.

  3. Ian

    Cards with nude women on? gives a whole new meaning to ‘do you want to shuffle or shall I?” I guess

    As pre-arranged head of scorpion pits I retain the right for a) slacking and b) internet usage*

    * the online deals for scorpion purchase are too good to miss

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