Not the eating ones. Dreadful things with the colour, moistness and visual similarity to the output of a large dog. And one that is clearly quite ill. When my – strangely – delayed email confirms World Dictatorship status, the hateful things shall be banished along with related horridness including prunes, mushrooms and couscous.

To be replaced by something healthier and less squidgy- I am currently ruminating over whether that should be cheese or sausage. Have I allocated the key cabinet position for “head of sausages and frankfurters”?. No? So much to do, so little time to count the bribes*

Back to the JuliAL** calender where a date of 18th July has been carelessly cast into the legal cesspit of our house purchase. I have cut through the tedium of letter writing, deed forming, contract negotiating and endless epochs of nothing much happening, by explaining I shall shoot the next person that tells me this is not possible.

I care not who it is. They shall be ruthless dispatched by HarpCat*** and hung by the giblets as an example to others. I may even raise a merry bonfire in celebration and throw on passing members of the legal profession. Any lack of properly notorised paperwork would in no way stay us from at least pitching a tent in the garden. If we had one.

The second date is more within my control and less likely to involve difficult to explain fatalities****. The overwhelming success of my bicycle consolidation has moved into a new phase. I cannot say too much in case those not following “the one true way of upcoming fiscal disaster” are secretly watching. But soon something shiny and curvy shall cross paths with a further two heading in the opposite direction.

QUICK, THEY’RE COMING. THE UNBELIEVERS. Er, It’ll be cost neutral. Of course it is well thought out. Honestly, the long term costs are going to be lower. No, no I’ve not taken a blow to the head. Do I want to? Er.

My mum is becoming increasingly concerned by the never ending sweariness of my words. So, playing the dutiful son for just a second, Oh F*** S*** I’m as good as dead.

* Works for all well documented brutal despots and the British Government.

** Already subtle changes denote the coming of the One True Leader 🙂

*** A new weapon fusing the velocity of a harpoon with the beserker claws of a battle cat.

**** “That bloke with a cat sticking out of his eye? No Idea, go try the Sealed Knot nutters, he was probably playing Harold and it all went pear shaped“