Literally. Powered by pasties and post work beers, I launched a one man assault on the local wildlife, rooted rigid as it was in the transfixing beam of my monster bike light. But even wearing the Beer Jacket over shorts and a t-shirt, it’s obvious that something’s gone astray with the weather.

It really shouldn’t be this warm in Mid October. The lawn is both exceptionally lush and about four feet high. I can’t mow it because it’s retaining sufficient moisture to power a small waterwheel. Instead I shall invest in a goat which may offer some other advantages come the long, cold winter nights.

Rather than complete any of the half written (yes it’s true, there are articles in a worst grammatical state than those already posted) entries today, I’d better show some vocational backbone and complete a motivatingly crushing lists of tasks which I naively accepted as mine.

The reason? It’s my appraisal tomorrow and my boss reads this blog, so I’m hoping that a sudden outpouring of completed actions can fool him into thinking this is my normal output.

Ah, I’ve just seen the flaw in that plan. Never mind, amuse yourself if you will with the word of the day; that word is “Whelk” there’s a good reason but I’ll not bore you with it. Any whelk related comments, or better still, Whelk dialogue shall go far in cheering up an otherwise miserable day.

Let me start you off:

Crab walks past a Whelk
Which way to the sea” Crab asks
That Way–>” says Whelk
Thanks” says crab
You’re Whelkome” responds Whelk.

100{45ac9c3234d371044e23e276755ef3a4dde8f1068375defba7d385ca3cd4deb2} of truth. Ask any Whelk-lover.

Oh and Appraisals; any useful or constructive ideas on how to approach one? Through the office door is a sound start but not having been graded/appraised/humiliated for about 10 years, I’m not sure what to expect.

Will there be cakes do you think?

Is it true that wearing a chicken suit enhances the whole experience? This is the kind of stuff I think I should know.

15 thoughts on “Balmy

  1. DaveB

    Appraisals are simple if you follow my patented gameplan.

    1) world is currently at state “x”
    2) enter room for appraisal
    3) appear to listen intently to everything boss says, but don’t bother actually listening unless you like the sound of “total quality” manuals being read at half speed
    4) blame all negatives on either your age, skin colour or sex…suddenly boss will appear unwilling to probe further or take any corrective action
    5) show no ambition whatsoever, promotion is earnt in bed the pub or on the golf course, not in some 1hr bleating session.
    6) take any and every opportunity to get sent on a training course…beats work.
    7) always link your performance to the way you have been managed
    8) leave room
    9) world is still at state “x”, nothing at all has changed apart from some poor idiot has a form to fill and pass on to HR, who will file it and only pull it out when the next round of redundancies are due.

  2. Alex

    There’s just the faintest whiff of cynic about you Dave. It’s all that road riding you see… but useful advice none the less 😉

  3. Jay

    Why dont you just go with your usual approach..

    1. Look like you are listening.
    2. Explain that all the things just mentioned cannot be your fault as nothing can ever be your fault.
    3. Summarise with a display of magnificent flatulence.
    4. Leave the room with a look of utter astonishment and for real flair a lower lip n chin combo tremble.


  4. Alex

    Can you ‘display’ flatulence? It’d have been a right old pant ripper to show any visible signs. Still I guess the smell may give it away.

    I shall prepare with bran flakes.

  5. mark

    So, I lie through my teeth giving you awesome feedback and you blow it all by wearing your chicken suit.

    PS A telephone directory down the back of your trousers might help.

  6. Alex

    Sadly Mark your’s was a beacon in an otherwise dark and dank pile of responses 😉

    Do you think Telephone directory AND Chicken Suit may be a little over the top and keen? What about just bringing a chicken?

    I don’t feel I’m quite there yet in terms of tactics.

  7. Grahame

    Nod and say “Thank you for the valuable feedback” at random intervals.

    Make sure that the boss knows what you have achieved over the year (you have achieved something, haven’t you? If not, bullshit like crazy)

    Other than that, Dave’s on the money.

  8. Alex

    For a given value of ‘achieved’ I think I’m ok. As long as no one actually asks for examples. Unless shouting at people counts.

  9. Andy

    Having read the various approaches suggested above, I’m now well prepared for anything you might try! (Possibly there is a flaw in discussing this here???)

    The chicken suit is only going to reduce your rating, and I’m not “flattery operated” so you’ll have to resort to bribery!

    I think a couple of beers is the going rate 🙂

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