In leiu of any proper writing..

… updates have been made to the “Reader’s Choice” and “How Many Bikes pages. The former lowers the bar for grammar and punctuation, while the latter represents the revolving door bike rental policy.

The barn is actually looking partially burgled. With the Unicog of Wintry Hell banished to the leaky shed and the Trailstar on long term loan to a friend who may actually ride it properly, there is plenty of space for…. something else.

Although I feel a conversation which starts “I’ve been thinking about my Christmas presents….” may end with a man suffering a near fatal rolling pin based injury. An out-pouring of Christmas spirit may follow, but only if the liquid in question was TCP.

Anyway I’ve asked Coca-Claus to deliver – with the traditional Yuletide hangover – a set of God Like riding skills and some tablets to inhibit my shiny buy compunction gland.

I’m expecting only the hangover.

Yes, Yes I know…

… I promised to swear my through an accident which bothered me less for what happened to me, but way, way more on the way it was met by a total lack of humanity from those who put the ignore into ignorance. But I’m waiting to see if it may still have a slightly happy ending. Which’ll please my mum who – because all mothers support their kids even when they have forgotten why – reads the blog and finds the swearing a bit offensive.

It would please me too as the incident messed with my version of reality, to an extent that I wonder if I’ll ever properly understand it. And you can judge if this is merely pretentious overreaction when I finally get round to writing it up.

As for the many other articles airily promised, but never delivered, over the last two years, the 22 dusty items in my drafts folder should give you some idea of the chances they have of every electronically coming to life. Snowball and Hell come to mind. I like to think of it as harsh editorial standards but really I just can’t be arsed to finish them.

And there’s something else. In January, the Hedgehog will be limping into a frankly unbelievable third year. In that time there have been tears, occasional laughter and a string of rubbish photographs. And while my ability to carry on writing it is almost as infinite as your patience for reading it, there are things afoot. Or possibly apaw.

But I’m fairly certain – for a given value of certain – that we may have to pickle the old fella for a while. And it’s odd that I care because long ago, I convinced myself stuffing the ‘hog was written for the enjoyment of trying to be clever, rather than any reflected ego in all of you reading it.

Might have been kidding myself then. Anyway – even by my loquacious standards – I have rambled enough tonight. Fear not, I’ll provide a plethora of links to funny people who will amuse you for far longer than I can. And while you’re doing that, I’ll burrow on with the secret project to see if it can ever crawl out of the burrow.

And no, it’s not a collection of mixed metaphors. But thanks for asking.

EDIT: The reason this post was pulled a couple of times – for those utilising the magic of the RSS feed – was because I was concerned it was self referential BS. In face, I’m still pretty sure it is, but if we’re mixing those metaphors on the great decks of pretension, it seemed important to draw an electronic line in the sand. Or something. Right, glad that’s cleared it up 😉

I feel the need, the need..*

… for cheese* and other medicinal foodstuffs purloined from the vomity bucket of hangover cures. Before the onset of slow death that is hitting forty, all manner of voodoo and superstition acted as a crutch to prop up a crippling hangover. The experience, that comes with a holistic approach to liver failure, has subsequently proved that the the efficacy of the emperors’ new clothes pales when compared to the sure fire approach of not drinking the night before.

Sadly this option wasn’t available to me. Firstly I was suffering from the kind of bottomless depression that only the phrase”for the next two days I’ll be in Reading” can engender. Secondly our hotel greeted each guest with “Welcome to the Renaissance Reading, where the local time is 1973“. Rarely has the price of something so completely failed to reflect its’ value. And I’m including boutique bike accessories, strippers and council tax in that list.

The whole Life On Mars experience extended from the tired frontage, unlit reception, wheezy lifts and a room last decorated during the Silver Jubilee. The wallpaper was peeling flock, the bed an unpleasant blend of threadbare sheets and groaning springs. And don’t get me started on the bathroom where a nascent civilisation – homed in mildewed grout – was about ready to explore the world.

Apparently there was an executive floor but a brief inspection of a friend’s room showed little for the cream of business to be cheered over other than slightly less flocked wallpaper**. What awaited in the ‘Presidential Suite” can only be vaguely imagined – but even the Malawi Head Of State would surely have taken one horrified look before swiftly booking his entourage into the Holiday Inn opposite.

It may be unsurprising to hear that events from this point perfectly plotted the spiraling narrative of “Right who’s up for a whiskey chaser to get us started” through “A club? After forty seven bottles of wine? Spirited idea” and plummeting further downwards via “Yep, another double vodka red bull for me” and “What do you mean we can’t get another drink? It’s barely 2am?

Forty is not a good age to start experimenting with youthful alcopops. Especially ones stuffed full of caffeine and industrial strength alcohol. You’ll laugh at this – oh I know I did – my rationale for drinking deep from the bonkers mixers chalice was because starting on lager might give me a hangover. What kind of crazed nutter first mixed Red Bull with Vodka anyway? Had they tried Crystal Meth fused with laudanum and felt it was missing a bit of a kick?

So drunken and spiked with sufficient caffeine to stimulate a person long dead, the remainder of the night passed in drunken channel roaming and occasional groans. The upside was I forgot to be miserable about staying in Reading’s equivalent to Alcatraz – however this was of little measure when the grizzly combination of an absolutely bastard hangover and two hours sleep played out during the following day.

The final irony in all this, is my consumption of hop and grape has taken a steep nose dive lately. I seemed to have collapsed a month’s drinking into about three evenings of serial debauchery. Maybe it’s time to reinstate lager for breakfast.

* From “Top Bun” which, when dealing with a hangover sharp enough to shave with, is best filled with greasy bacon and lashings of brown sauce.

** I have been waiting to do that joke for ages. C’mon it was worth the wait.

Power Cuts.

A fine eighties Rock Ballard album which, in tandem with a rather fine red, represented my Friday night hedgehog muse. To the Welsh Warbling of Bonnie Tyler, I raced up soaring peaks of descriptive prose, and carved great swathes of laugh out loud sentences.

And then the power went off. And with it an oft repeated ode to the importance of regular backup. Left with no music to power the now stilled electronic press, only the wine remained. And, because streetlighting has yet to reach the lesser lanes of the village, the precise location of a now much needed drink was lost in the darkness.

Treading carefully to avoid a sticky liquid warranty claim, a journey into the inky blackness of the cellar was rewarded with the emergency candles. My joy was spiked by the bare-footed discovery of children’s toy’s left abandoned – sharp side up – on every flat surface in the house.

With candlelight, a jumper and a mechanical bottle opener, the night passed slowly but not without a little Dunkirk Spirit sort of pleasure. Occasional beams of light from battery operated devices* refracted against the sightless windows, mixed with screams of pain as more toys were located using the bleeding foot approach.

We gave up around 10pm, navigating woozily upwards in the medium of human pinballs. Some five hours later, my cosy dreams suddenly took on a disturbing edge of household surround sound. Televisions barked loudly with zero viewer programming, clocks chirped awake, lights blinked into action, and alarms whined of forgotten passcodes. Ten minutes later all was again quiet, kids put back to bed, alarm stilled, tv’s electronically terminated and lights darkened.

Peace descended on the house except for my feeble moaning. In my haste to manually cut the power, I’d forgotten about the caltraps lying in wait. And the fantastic article, what happened to that? Gone, neither saved nor remembered, lost to the four winds of the storm that broke the power. Ah well, no point in raising the bar really – you were just have assumed I’d stolen it from somebody with talent 😉

* No. Absolutely not what you’re thinking. And since when did they come with a torch on the end?

It was there a minute ago…

… and now it’s gone. In a moment of vocational angst, I committed various ideas to electronic paper which – on sober reflection* – were probably a little close to the knuckle. In fact, any closer and it would have been just knuckle.

And I may have been on the receiving end of that noun had I left it abandoned at the windblown curb of the hedgehog.

If you really want a copy, send me an email. If I see it on the web anywhere, expect violence 😉

* It’s not often that a state of sobriety exists after 7:30pm, but today has been special in many varied and painful ways.

Dead Cats Society.

After many more tears this morning, the old cat was cast off life’s slipway in a fog of lethal cocktails. Carol, understandably a bit upset, sent me a text explaining “going to bury her in the garden and plant a tree“.

I replied back cautioning her to be careful digging burial mounds in the garden, what with all that body excavation going on in Kent. It’ll only take one net twitching neighbor to send in a police airstrike.

Somewhat worryingly, I have just received a message blandly stating “went a bit mad with the shredder but everything ok now“. Does this mean she’s buried the cat AND THEN shredded some waste, or have we fully recycled the poor dead mog into organic bark?

Still as someone kindly pointed out: not many cats get to bark. As an encore, you could cremate it and make it go woof.

And Lo, through the power of comedy, the healing process begins.

I’m stopping now. This post is dead and buried. Or possibly shredded.

You know that thing about cats having 9 lives?

Ours has clearly been living it up for the last 18 years. It is absolutely on its’ last one and so rapidly accelerating towards back garden burial.

Basically at 18, the poor old bugger has gone loopy. Shitting everywhere, lost the use of her rear legs, howling at the moon, refusing to eat. The vet has handed her back for one last night before administering a lethal injection first thing tomorrow. No point in any tests or treatment, too much stuff broken inside apparently.

The kids have never experienced dead pettage before. So I’m wondering what approach to take:

– Give ’em the facts. Cat dies tomorrow, make your goodbyes now.
– Pretend it might get better
– Offer up alternative cattage in forms of a kitten each when the old lass finally shuffles off to the great catnip in the sky.
– Throw loved family pet under a passing truck, dispense with vet bills, explain to children it was someone elses cat they’ve played with for the last 6/8 years, and now they want it back.

Tears all over the place in there. God knows what it’ll be like when a grandparent hits the buffers.

This is proving to be a trying 24 hours. I’ll explain why once the current crisis is over.

Happy Insanity.

As I’ve alluded to before, grumpiness is the lot of a professional Yorkshireman. In a strange quirk of personality, we actually become MORE grumpy if there is nothing in our lives worth moaning about. In the same way that phobophobia is the fear of fear itself, grumpophia is the fear of happiness.Watch any Northern news channel and it will all become clear: “Lovely weather tomorrow for the whole region, warm and sunny and it’s REALLY DOING FOR MY VEGETABLES. Global Warming my arse, I blame Lancashire“.

So when you’re already metaphorically horizontal in the happiness stakes, it’s very hard to be knocked down. For us the night is always darkest – not just before dawn – but at the exact point preceding pitch black. But my Northern brethren must grump on without me this week for I am suffering from a feeling scarily close to contentment.

Firstly I found a fierce enjoyment in riding through a six mile puddle under which the road now lay.I’ll write up last nights bathing on a bike experience later, but to summarise it just rocked 100{45ac9c3234d371044e23e276755ef3a4dde8f1068375defba7d385ca3cd4deb2} being driven sideways by the storm and constantly battered by the rain. When the house eventually hoved into view, disappointment rather than relief was my strongest emotion. If it hadn’t been for some well earned beers warming by the fridge, I might have gone round again.

And then today, financially destitute after a “close eyes, squeeze cheeks, confirm flight order” experience, I found myself giggling. Giggling for God’s Sake – I’m going to have my whippet forcibly removed if THEY find out and that’s almost as painful as it sounds. Yes in a ‘fuck the planet, we’re going anyway‘ approach to life, I successfully navigated the Air New Zealand web site (specifically designed to STOP you buying anything unless you have the persistence of a double glazing salesman) and secured 4 tickets to Christchurch in February of next year.

A similar sentiment around our travel plans was the basis of my argument with the school. These are the people who are thrusting lifelong mental trauma on my children by exposing them to the ‘knarled walnut under a dodgy syrup” that is Paul Daniels. The Xmas pantomime is Peter Pan with”did you like that?” (No, get stuffed) and his botoxed missus are the main charactors. If Daniels is playing the boy who never grew up, then the authenticity of the the play is going to be seriously compromised.

Anyway my robust defense of our right to remove the children from School on the not unreasonable grounds that it saves about three grand was accepted with all the grace of a man given no choice. So, for the moment at least, I’ll ignore the idiocy of forcing the kids to spend 90 long minutes in the company of a one trick pony whose pony died long ago. But right now, I am enveloped in the warm fog of contentment.

I fully expect this almost transcendental state to endure right up until the point at which the credit card bill drops portentously through the letterbox. So let’s review the symptoms then; One Yorkshireman receiving a proper going over with nature’s fire hose, the subsequent rain will have completely bolloxed the trails for the next three months, two to three bikes’ worth of cash has been handed over via the worlds’ worst user interface, and in just 11 weeks, twenty four hours of economy traveling awaits with highlights such as US Customs and hyperactive kids.

And yet this strange aura of happiness fails to be spiked by the grumpy gene. I can only believe it must be the start of a serious mental illness 🙂

Divide and Conquer

Citizens of Singlespeed world(tm) don’t really have much truck with reasoned debate. From the lofty high ground of the morally authentic, they are right and you are wrong. So not content with sneering at your geared weakness, they lampoon the physical frailty of those not residing in the land of the smug.

And because most residents of this world have OCD*, a certain mental rigidity defines the magic ratio of their official transport icon. Simply divide the tooth count on the front ring by two and you have your rear sprocket size. But even in the fundermentalist religion of 2:1, some worship at the altar of 32:16, some 34:17 and a few rebellious fanatics preach the righteousness of 36:18.

Thankfully I am merely wintering in Singlespeedworld on a three month Visa. So I can break the lore, and after four eye popping, knee crunching, arm wrenching rides on 2:1, it became obvious that I needed too. While searching for a new sprocket, a random forum post proclaimed that 34:18 was the “Gear Of Champions“. I almost missed this shard of heathen light, darkened as it was by the unicogged jihad insisting all that was required was to “toughen the fuck up

Sod them, fit that lovely big sprocket. And then ride a route to which the night brings a host of interconnected “evening bridleways” into play. This was a copy of a loop ridden earlier in the week, so granting a reasonably scientific back to back test of different ratios. First time out, the hills hurt just too much and, on occasion, I was forced to engage the 32inch pushing gear. Last night – after a day of miserable drizzle – it was a little sloppier, the roots a lot slippier but the climbs significantly easier.

Rather than approaching each long pull back up the hill with weary wretchedness, I have begun to quietly enjoy the challenge. Better still this extended jaunt into the vale of silliness reminded me that Mountain Biking is a four season sport, and that long, cold evenings are perfect for night riding on cheeky trails.

But when the days finally lengthen and the trails return to hardpack, everything with gears will waken from winter hibernation. Anyway I fully expected to be deported back to GearWorld(tm) once a proper singlespeeder reports me for riding on the – slightly wussy – Gear Of Champions

*One Cog Disorder

Home is where the bike is

At what point do we stop going home? This isn’t some kind of existential probe of a mental navel encrusted with half-baked, self important cheesy life metaphors. There will be plenty of time for that sort of thing later. No, the idea of home shifts on foundations that prove remarkably yielding when exposed to distance and age.
Peaks November 2007 (17 of 36)Peaks November 2007 (31 of 36)

No longer is the Peak District home in terms of houses, streets, people or parents. And yet, there is a certain straightening of the shoulders, a thickening of the accent and a hiding of the wallet that’s triggered by entering the mortal Pearly Gates of “Welcome to Derbyshire“. But that has almost nothing to do with being here as a kid or a yearning for halcyon days; it is a contemporary recognition that the adrenal gland is about to get a good shooing.

Heretics may offer false Gods while talking up their own riding spots, but this rocky parcel of middle England represents the epicenter of mountain biking in the UK. And to quiet the wailing of those damned to ride elsewhere, let me explain why. You could persuasively argue that nowhere in the peaks lays out endless woody singletrack, or that it lacks trail variety or the sheer popularity of the national parks dulls the pleasure of riding.

And you know what? You’re absolutely right. But this place is like a traction beam to me – every time I hit the trails, I’m blown away by the elevation, the challenge, the bravery needed to conquer the rocky tracks and the rugged beauty of a three hundred and sixty degree panorama. You are not the king of the dirt here because every descent is an act of survival, every climb has the potential to break you, and the weather changes fast enough to render you cold, wet and frightened.

Peaks November 2007 (34 of 36)Peaks November 2007 (18 of 36)

It’s just about perfect and while riding bikes is great, writing about them can be repetitive. Or dull. Or if you have a certain talent, both. So, on a gray day, clamped in rain cloud and promising nothing but cold, flat light and windy bleakness, let me just tell you about the last descent of our ride.

This is standard Peak District fare – rocky avenues policed by slabby sleepers and rewarding pilot error with hard times on sharp edged gritstone. Even in the softer, southern Derbyshire Dales, you must relax your limbs but not your mind. Complacency or contempt will deliver the kind of pain which familiarity breeds.

And yet We were tweaking the nose of terror by testing our steely metal in hardtail form. Yet failing to match my friend Nigel, I cast around for advice on what I was doing wrong. “You’re just not riding fast enough” was a response that caused me to nod in a “good point, well made” manner.

Peaks November 2007 (29 of 36)Peaks November 2007 (3 of 36)

My badly written lines through sunken, rocky motorways – broken by glacial action – resembled a child following a particularly tricky dot to dot pattern. This awesome display of spacial awareness combines a fixed stare just beyond the front wheel, and a refusal to believe that the bike may be about a million times more capable than the pilot.

Flipping the mental mirror, I ignored the lesser lights of past performance and searched for some inspiration from a million airline movies. “We’re a mile from the car park, it’s raining, we’ve got five inches of suspension travel and we’re wearing sunglasses” seemed close enough as my friend Andy “John Belushi” Hooper sent three hard pedal strokes and a committed expression downhill at the speed of scary.

I dropped in behind and spent the next three minutes plagurising his lines in between remembering to breathe. The trail reeled out a rock strewn ribbon on a perfect elevation; steep enough to encourage floating over braking, but shallow enough to give up the height in lung busting longevity. There is an fat tyred myth that faster is better; lighten the bike through perfectly timed weight shifts, think nothing of boosting over a jagged drop into a cluster of loose rocks and brake only when every other option has gone.

It’s a high risk strategy on a single sprung end but it’s a good one. With speed comes gyroscopic effect and with that comes stability. Then you focus completely on momentum and lines; ignore what’s three metres away – you have a big fork and suspension limbs to deal with that – look up and out at the blur of never ending trail. Feel the bike spring and squirm in the great game of rock, bravery and wizards. Right now, that wizard is Andy and he’s picking insanely good lines at high speed whilst I’m doing nothing more than desperately hanging on to his splattered coat tails.

Internal commentary records the unfolding action: “fuck that’s loose, shift weight NOW, drop coming, shiiiiiiit, bang, foot back on the pedal, fade to the outside, pump that, lift over this, push hard on the bar and feel the carve, get back now, shit that’s the fork bottoming out, look up, look up, walkers on the trail, push left, push right, they’re gone, set up for that lip, bollocks it’s big, too late now, silence, silence, Jesus I’m a passenger here, hold on tight, gate coming up, brake, brake, brake HARDER, clip gate post and it’s done

And laugh. And thank God you’re alive and unbroken. And bask in serial hits on the adrenal gland. And try to distill why a cold day, a muddy facepack, a wet arse and a three hour drive home make this worthwhile. The sum is so much more than the parts, even when another friend tells me this descent broke the arm of one rider and sent another into the river on the same ride.

But so what? If I can’t do this then what is the point of staying fit, breaking bones, being an absent parent and treating too much stuff as Any Other Business? Answer, none.

Riding in the peaks is like coming home. There’s a part of me which never left.

A few more photos here.