… but funny. Stole this from SniffPetrol but I will get round to writing something of my own soon.

BRITAIN UNDER SIX INCHES OF TRAVEL CHAOS

Britain was braced for more bleeding obvious advice this week as forecasters warned of another incoming front of TRAVEL CHAOS. This new warning comes only days after the whole country awoke to find a six inch covering of TRAVEL CHAOS had covered much of the British Isles overnight with more flurries of TRAVEL CHAOS over the following 24 hours.

However, whilst a further dusting of TRAVEL CHAOS could be a problem in itself, some experts say the real danger for drivers is of being hit by a sudden shower of sodding patronising advice from motoring organisations. “If this weather continues, drivers need to be extra careful to avoid large patches of fucking obvious advice,” noted Dr Gneil Pipely, Head of Wasting Everyone’s Time Studies at All Saints College, Appleton. “For example, it’s all too easy to be in the car listening to the radio when, next thing you know, you’re being told to avoid any journey that isn’t necessary, and by the time you sense the smugly high minded tone it’s too late to take evasive re-tuning action”.

But facile warnings apparently aimed at people who just drive around in their cars for no reason whatsoever could be only the tip of a very patronising iceberg, Dr Pipely warns. With the expected return of TRAVEL CHAOS motorists should also be on high alert for other blandly useless information such as ‘carry a warm rug in the car’, ‘take a flask of tea with you on every journey’, ‘if the road looks icy, don’t bang the car into first gear and mash the throttle like a mentalist’ and ‘always arrange for a St Bernard to run everywhere after your car just in case you drive into a crevace on the M4’. Motorists are also reminded that a good way to keep warm during TRAVEL CHAOS is to smash the car radio repeatedly with a hand jack until Sally fucking Traffic on Radio 2 just fucking shuts up.

Made me laugh anyway. Although they spelt crevace wrong. I dunno, I may have to write and complain. Talking of which, I’ve had to write Apple a strongly worded note regarding the longevity and robustness of their baby IPOD. Mine lasted almost three months before entering an unwarrantied electronic sulk. Reading between the lines, the reason they do not feel any responsibility to fix it is because “you’ve only gone and used it”

I’m back to my totally beaten up but still working 3 year old MP3 player. And I shall neither be buying Apple products every again or even eating one. That’ll show ’em!

There are some very strange people out there in the wibbly wobbly world of the Internet. Who would think of setting up a website to record graffiti and vandalism in public spaces?

Well this guy and actually some of them are quite amusing. You could get all pretentious citing this as street art and a platform for unteconstructed creatives to rail against the system, but that sounds like a right load of old horse to me.

Made me laugh tho 🙂

.. oh fuck that.

The firm I work for makes nothing but money and burns nothing but graduates. But now we have a green agenda which, I freely admit, has come of a bit of a shock. The only green things in the building are stumbling hangovers and forgotten new years resolution fruit. But as my colleague and “head of bins” explains we are now all gloriously empowered to chase and embrace the philanthropic market first trailblazed by Bill “I know I’m a nerdy, uncaring bastard but here’s a few quid to assuage my guilt” Gates.

It makes me so proud. We’ve suffixed every email with a trite reminder than by printing this electronic blame memo, entire regions of the amazon may be deforested (and here’s the rub, every extra pointless signature burns storage disks which are about as carbon friendly as a Hummer) and the battery coop of our office space is now festooned with colour coded bins each demarking a specific recycling repository.

Being all knit my own yogurt, I am completely bought into the middle class ideal of saving the planet. We recycle at home as if our life depended on it (you know, it just might), compost with wild abandon – mindless of the consequences of starting an organic chain reaction that could easily destroy the village – and drive carefully to the local dump (sorry household recycling centre) to dispose of the myriad of nasty stuff our right on council can’t be arsed to collect. Which includes the children – that’s a joke, oh hang on I’ve just counted, can anyone remember how many we used to have?

But the firm is spectacularly poor at being good at this kind of stuff, so instead of a simple voluntary system based on a disposal approach well understood from our own domestic shit, they’ve only gone and devised an entirely new regime. This has committee written all over it with a complex arrangement of multi coloured bins each with a narrow remit and lasting about five minutes before the (environmentally diffident) emails started to fly.

Now you could reasonably argue that the employees don’t really give a shit and would rather lampoon any well intentioned approach with questions such as “Do coffee cups count as wet or dry waste” and “what expense code do I charge my floor roaming bin hunt too?” and you’d be about right. But because the system is so complicated and the simple disposal of a bacon sandwich and quick gulped hot beverage requires an urban fox like visiting of about ten bins, they’ve kind of brought it on themselves. A Frequently Asked Questions email followed the removal of our personal bins attempting to stem the piss taking tide but from the raucous laughter of the majority, one feels that maybe not all the questions were that serious. Well not as serious as the answers which precisely described the exact disposal procedure for a half eaten banana.

So here’s what happens. Even the keenest wishy washy liberals amongst us take one look at bin alley before muttering “fuck that, I’ve got work to do” and deposit the entire contents of their desktop in the ‘non recyclable bin‘. Earlier today I chucked in my Laptop powered by dead hamster in there as well but so fetid were the contents it chucked it straight back out again. Alledgedly the bins are emptied twice a day but from the Friday fishy smell this morning, it would appear this is aspirational at best.

The smell makes my compost (you need to wee on it, no honestly you do, I have a thousand words on the subject, no honestly I have) seem appealing and a entire black market around selling empty hotdesks for bin space has thrown up many opportunities for personal currency advancement.

The firm will probably find a way to tax that so in the end, which may be the very reason they started down the road in the first place.

Me? I have recycled all my filing and am now filling every empty desk drawer with rotting compost. I admit as an act of rebellion it lacks something but once it explodes over the fire officer, my work will be complete.

If so, I can recommend Tower Defense which will happily suck around a week from your life assuming you don’t have an addictive personality. Otherwise write off the rest of the year. It’s deceptively simple, but really quite fiendishly hard once you skip the easy level.

Build a maze to slow down the “creeps” so you can blast them with your heavy ordinance. The tactics are around maze building, consolidated or distributed armament, placement of air towers and priority of upgrade. I played it about ten times at which point it tripped my talent/boredom threshold. My wife, however, is gunning for the top of the leader board.

Originally recommended by notorious crank breaker Jon over at Samuri who, as an IT geek like myself, has probably already reprogrammed his company firewalls to stop employees wasting their time. But as everyone knows, special access privileges come with network administration. Honestly, it’s the least someone doing that job deserves!