Actung Baby!

Behold! The pant crisis is over. Probably.

Look I know that the trials and tribulations of a family forlornly wandering in the land of stinky laundry isn’t terribly interesting, but I’ve paid good money for this bandwidth. And I’ve spared you any photographic evidence for which you should be profoundly grateful.

You can tell this washing machine is German. It has absolutely no truck with the argument form over function”. It is essentially three mechanical generations downstream of a Tiger Tank. Already the other appliances are twitching nervously “ I expect them to be whipped into shape within a fortnight. None of this lounging about, working when they can be arsed or randomly displaying smug red warning lights. Oh no, soon the toaster will be doubling up as a microwave and the tumble dryer as loft insulation or some such thing. I fear for the kettle as the water filter is already wiring itself into a plug socket.

Clearly a detailed and thorough plan has been hatched to annexe the remainder of the kitchen before moving on to other rooms in the house. The machine has a certain fanatical bearing around the chromed drum and an expansionist bent to the simple programming switches.

My wife is diligently following the “ very precise “ installation instruction whereas I’m lurking around the box hunting for the turret attachment.

I’m getting flashbacks to electric dreams

No Germans were needlessly offended during the making of this post 🙂

Update: Installing it was not without complications. I usurped the missus in the installation position” as the manual was want to call it, and only just resisted the urge to out the tool belt and fire up the power tools.

Here are some practical tips for any would be washing machine installers out there:

1. Install drainage cable before inserting washing machine. Failure to do so will involve removing both washing machine from its’ orifice and skin from fingers.

2. As tip#1 but this time for cold water feed.

3. Removing a washing machine from a very tight kitchen fitting is analogous to a 3000 point turn. Do not try to rush it. Once you’ve done it twice it gets easier.

4. Pushing in the machine on a wooden floor whilst wearing socks invokes Newton’s laws of motion. The machine doesn’t move while you end up on the horizontal, gamely hanging onto the worktop before sliding gracelessly down – face first – onto the floor. Pretending you meant to is a key part of an anti humiliation strategy.

5. The Freeride gut and extreme grunting are the fro washing machine installation option. Yeah I just hucked off the worktop, rode the skinny down to bevel height and then, calm as you like, knocked out a thrucking manouevre” to get the bastard aligned

6. Do not keep doing German jokes. You better half gets bored and the machine seems to have spawned a new setting to go with Rinse/Spin/Final. It’s Attack

Still when it did slot home, I couldn’t help but think Battle of the Bulge”

I’ll stop now. I promise. Especially if someone firebombs the Manchester Inland Revenue office. It’d be an act of mercy compared to what I’m considering 😉

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