Smooth Criminal

It is a bit of a stretch to pass yourself as a member of the hardened criminal classes if you are hurtling towards middle age, wear a suit to work and rarely dismember associates with an iron bar. Unless you’re a lawyer which, in the strangest of ironies, is practically a vocational criminal offense and yet provides the legal means to defend your colleagues. No wonder it’s known as being called to the bar.

But this morning, I too have stepped across the slippery line to become a law breaker. My route out of the station is a cheeky pavement sprint in the wrong direction on a short one way street. Blinking out stinging rain, my vision was filled by two yellow jacketed, importantly hatted members of the pretend police meaningfully pointing an arresting arm in my direction.

Please stop Sir, you’re in breach of the highway code the large, rotund one intoned in a voice clearly trained to strike fear into the heart of aforementioned desperate criminals. And please vacate you bicycle as well shouted the second slightly smaller but no less self important upgraded traffic warden.

Well dear readers, I did as anyone with a social conscience would “ I took a hard look at the consequences of my illegality and, after just a moments pause, put the hammer down and scarpered.

I was amazed, on glancing rearwards, to find them giving chase. Suddenly my charge sheet was reading assault with a light battery, followed by the involuntary homocide of two fat policeman, and further lengthened by leaving the scene of an accident (there was going to be one in a minute). At this rate I was looking at incarceration for almost, well, the rest of my life and Panorama would be running sobering documentaries in years to come on the Stone 1

Slightly less amazing was their swift realisation that two fat policemen are significantly slower than one desperate rider screaming You’ll never take me alive copper over his shoulder. The lights changed and I charged over the Marylebone Road in the style of a Thelma and Louse cliff side plunge.

And just to prove that I have now entered the seedy world of the habitual criminal, my status as Rebel Without A Decent Haircut was confirmed with a lawless shimmy past the startled security bloke guarding the firms’ car park entrance. I shot him with a nasty grin that may have lost some effect as I rapidly had to come to terms with an illegally parked van abandoned on my line.

Honestly, some people just think that the law doesn’t apply to them. Stringing ˜em up is all they understand with their terrorist traffic violations.

Hypocrisy is the new tolerance for 2007 “ you heard it here first.

POST EDIT: Ah I was going to write something on why I really can’t take pretend police seriously only to find I already had!

4 thoughts on “Smooth Criminal

  1. Ace! I love the idea of having to keep checking over your shoulder everytime you ride back through Londond, just in case they’ve laid in wait, ready to pounce. The volunteers round here keep themselves safely ensconced behind the desk in the police station ready to take anyone’s particulars who still thinks it’s a worthwhile venture reporting a crime.

  2. Alex

    I love the way certain government employed people speak – “taking your particulars” is a nice example. Sounds quite rude.

    I’m not sure how you “vacate a bicycle” either 🙂

    I’m going to ask for a transfer to the Leeds office. At least they’ll understand my accent there.

  3. Inspector Faircop

    Attn: Mr Lee, A

    Regarding: Said incident this morning at train station.

    We are writing to inform you that following our unsuccessful pursuit of your departing deriere, we repaired to an internet cafe for a well earned latte and brace of doughnuts.

    After banging a few “particulars” into google we appear to have added one more tick to the list of solved crimes in the London area.

    Please expect a visit soon. One lump for me, Tubbs takes three.


    Inspector Faircop (Slimfast Division)

  4. Alex

    Right I’ll put the kettle on then. I’d also like “wasting the NHS’s time” and “Being in possession of extreme hypochondria” to be taken into account 😉

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