Yes, that’s you I’m talking to at the back, with your shuffling feet, guilty demeanor and chest pressed chin hiding a face shaped to verbalise “not me gov, honest, I’ve never taken nuffin‘”

If not you, who? Someone in malicious authority has flicked off the sunshine switch and simultaneously turned the rain tap full on. Grey skies clamp the planet and occasional sunny strobes are instantly hidden behind a curtain of wind blown wetness with hail to follow. Two consecutive sodden commutes suggested a deed pole like email address change so if you’re in the market for some deep water harbour action, mail me at almostdrowned@athousandfathoms.wet. Anything with a draft of less than ten feet can be easily accommodated.

Meteorologically, I am absolutely in sync with the sky meets ground low pressure system after my football team was relegated from the top flight on goal difference. Goal Difference for fucks sake. That’s like being dumped by your first girlfriend after she’s tearfully explained you’re the best shag in the universe but she can’t been seen playing hide the one eyed womb ferret with a bloke whose middle name is Derek.

Obviously the team is not at fault. Others conspired against us by playing eleven of the crowd against our nearest rivals or cheating the transfer system through a process technically known as “ah fuck it, they’ll never notice“. And before anyone and I MEAN ANYONE spouts some shit that it was in our own hands and this bitterness is nothing more than sour grapes, let me remind you it’s Sheffield we’re talking about. We don’t do rationale argument, we do ‘it’s someone elses fault‘ and ‘everyone hates us because we’re a bit rubbish“.

So I’ll be supporting Chelsea against the craven Manchester United who turned up but didn’t play last weekend, and AC Milan when they take on the club we’ve come to think of as “Historical Artifacts who think the shell suit is a class garment“.

If the weather doesn’t improve soon, I’ll be writing to the MP who I failed to vote for. But since he was sworn in with a majority of forty three million, it’s unlikely to make much difference.