Locks Away!

On By AlexIn Other stuff5 Comments

A weeks holiday had dulled the daily mindf*ck that is the Chiltern Railway alledged timetable. This morning though they made up for lost time by suffixing a passengerless train blasting through the station with the announcement that the next service is cancelled due to a shortage of drivers”. Or possibly shortness of drivers. Can’t they use a cushion or something?

When a train felt able to stop at our station, it was on the understanding that it’d had somehow shed the majority of its’ carriages on the epic three mile journey from the Aylesbury depot. Our extended journey to the capital put me in mind of those first world war pictures showing weary soldiers crammed into slam door trains on their way to France. Only with more crowding and a smoking ban.

We fooled even the old station hands at Marylebone as the entire population of the south east exited on platform 4. They must be going round again” a Butlin’d uniformed railway service operative” muttered, with the platform disappearing under an angry mob of aggressive briefcases and irritated overcoats. I went bike hunting which occupied five spare minutes I didn’t really have but that’s the price of early onset Alzheimer’s and a bike the same colour of the platform. Having finally located said steed, a further ten minutes frustration and advanced stupidity failed to crack the complex code of a single lock key. This new German lock (Abus) was clearly keen to dig in to secure it’s position on this latter day Hindenburg Line and even the magic opening phrase willyoujustfuckingletmein” failed to shift it.

Entire epochs passed before the realisation that my key ring holds two Abus keys finally dawned. Obviously I’d got the wrong one; less obviously I’d failed to check my key ring instead engaging single tasking bloke mode and stuffing the wrong key harder and harder into the lock.

It’s a skill there’s no doubt about that.

If this wasn’t enough “ and after a weeks holiday and a shrivellingly cold commute, it really was “ they’ve only gone and changed the bloody milk shakes. Yes, I can see you shaking your heads in disbelief that the one small station based pleasure has been ruthlessly snatched away from me without even the slightest consultation. Ever since my rigorous health regime of a single milkshake per week, I’ve had a sad but serious Pavlovion longing for sugary based milk product. After a ˜fitness curry’ [we left the after eight mint] with a mate, I arrived in good time to indulge in a Strawberry Milkshake desert.

We don’t do Strawberry anymore sir”

Why the hell not?”
Nobody wanted it”

See this body? It wants it”
Sorry sir, you can have hint of apricot or noisette of lamb instead”
[So gasted was my flab, I may have misheard that]

Rather than removing my custom and starting a platform based campaign to reinstate the much missed Strawberry Milkshake, I grumbling settled for ˜Wild Cherry”

Predictably it was bloody horrible. It tasted almost healthy for Gods Sake! If I hadn’t paid for it with my own money, I’d never have finished it. Honestly, it was that bad.

The tourists are back and just as airheaded as before. The blossom is on the trees and spring is nervously pushing back winter’s bleak curtain. I just knew things were going too well.

Apricot milkshakes I ask you? Surely there is someone I can sue?

I admit it – I am a hit whore

On By AlexIn Pretentious nonsense, Site Stuff6 Comments

Musing away, idly drunk on Witches Nipple” (a complex fusion of runway cleaner and battery acid with a huge nose and an under-the-table-finish), I was forced to accept that ˜stuffing the hedgehog’ has become something more than a drunken pastime. That’s not terribly interesting but my attempts to insert rude words into every new post until – let’s say – eternity may be.

To this end, I’ve been spending some quality time in the virtual statistics department. Surrounded by electronic beards and electron toed sandals, I fired up the data miner thingy and immersed myself in this dusty and mostly untrodden bridleway of the wibblyweb.

Continue reading “I admit it – I am a hit whore” →

Suck my arse!

On By AlexIn Bikes, Road Riding1 Comment

Well that got your attention didn’t it? And if you were seamlessly multi-tasking both breakfast and hedgehog, please accept my apologies for any damage a high velocity muesli shot may have inflicted on your monitor.

As ever context is key here. Struggling home the other night into the teeth, gums and entire puffing face of a gale, a fellow commuter reclassified me as his personal windbreak. Now not being au fait with roadie etiquette, it wasn’t clear whether one is expected to put up with this kind of thing or if “ as was my instinctive reaction “ beating them to death with the sticky end of a pump would be a proportional response.

Continue reading “Suck my arse!” →

Cycling Myth#5 “ you can never have too many locks.

On By AlexIn Bikes7 Comments

Okay not quite true, the corollary of this is that you can never have too many keys. My biggest fear “ well apart from the one about involving goats and someone elses video camera but we’ll not go into that here “ is arriving at the station without the ability to lock or unlock my bike.

Because I’m so paranoid about it, it never happens. And when I say paranoid – you’re talking about a man who believes unpleasant weather systems specifically target and follow him in some kind of meteorological conspiracy – that involves checking for the reassurance of keys about five times before riding and a couple of times during.

However, this doesn’t hold for when I’m not riding, which shouldn’t matter but does. There’s times when essential maintenance needs carrying out “ even to me the crank falling off comes under the heading of essential “ and for some reason I’m not riding.

On the last two occasions this has happened, I’ve forgotten my keys and attempted to do something complex with spanners while my bike is chained to a bike rack at the station. It clearly looks like I’m trying to nick parts off it and it’s just as clear nobody actually cares. One day I may just start unbolting plant off the platform in a social experiment designed to illicit some response from an uncaring public.

Anyway I digress.

Due to impending holiday, I was keen to make my London bike scrote proof by locking it up with at least two of Abus’ finest. With a precision logistical strike, I unearthed two spare locks from the shed and secreted them in my rucksack. Sadly I failed to do the same with the keys so aside from the extra exercise required to drag two heavy yet useless locks about, my anti-scrote plan was stymied.

Instead I bought yet another lock. Because of the paranoia you see. I now have a total of four locks in London of which two are on the bike. The others are ensuring no one cheekily runs off with an unused bike rack.

This is the second time this has happened giving me a total of seven locks so my keyring resembles a jailors. There’s got to be a better solution than stoking Evans’ profits on a monthly basis. I just don’t know what it is. It probably involves two key rings, a post-it note on my forehead and some common sense.

So more locks it is then 😉

TAXI!

On By AlexIn Other stuff2 Comments

Okay, one more. Although this site is worryingly bagging 300+ individual hits per day, no one dines to leave a comment. It’s not that I’m vain or anything (well ok I am but that’s not the point here so stop pointing at the screen shouting “you are, you bloody are“) but it’d be nice occasionally for someone to comment “thanks, your transparent attempt to boost a shallow ego through the medium of vanity publishing has made me realise why the Internet is such a pointless place to spend my time, and I’m off to save the world instead“. Or something.

I suffered two cab journeys last night, the combined mileage of which would have easily ushered me home without the tedious intermediary of a train trip. The first ride was from a restaurant in East London to Marylebone. Well that’s what I thought anyway but due to a little cultural confusion, the driver instead motored round in ever decreasing circles before attempting to deposit me at Mile End.

Continue reading “TAXI!” →

Going, Going…

On By AlexIn Site Stuff1 Comment

… Gone.

Half term rapidly approaches and with it some belated parenting responsibilities. So the virtual press of this blog shall lay idle for a week while I re-introduce myself to my kids, and they ask Mummy why Daddy is putting Vodka on his cornflakes. Talk amongst yourselves and, you never know, a week away may increase the quality to drivel ratio of my random ramblings.

Probably appropriate to mention that I don’t have any great hopes of that happening.

In the meantime, two outstanding sites worth checking out

Mil’s http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com/ which I’d read a couple of years ago but lost the link. A friend kindly sent it to me. That’s proper laugh out loud stuff. Ace.

And for those of us who’ve been invited to participate in some superb Nigerian financial opportunity, I give you http://www.419eater.com/ which is scambaiting taken to it’s natural conclusion. Again, ace.

I promise I’ll respect you in the morning.

On By AlexIn Other stuff7 Comments

Some people drink to remember. Others drink to forget. This morning I found myself fervently wishing that I could forget the events of last night and nobody else would remember them. A dangerous triumvirate of free drinks, a hotel room and the chance for the project team to let their hair down” “ worth saying here most of us don’t have much hair to let down so instead let ourselves down, let our families down, etc “ all combined to turn a few beers into alcohol based carnage.

I steamed into my first lager like a man with exactly one minute to live. Warming to this theme, I maintained the same pace throughout the evening with the carefree attitude of a condemned man facing the scaffold. As my intake increased, so did my volume and I upped the ante once more by taking on the mantle of witty raconteur”, or so I thought. Since we had our suppliers in the room, they felt honour bound to gently massage my ego with polite smiles and the odd forced laugh. But “ of course “ I know they were actually thinking How much do we REALLY want this order” How much more of this am I expected to take?“. People came and people went, I just went on visiting the bar with no more willpower than a fluttering moth around a candle.

Continue reading “I promise I’ll respect you in the morning.” →

Tonight Matthew, I am Ray Charles

On By AlexIn Bikes, Other stuffLeave a comment

Wandering sleepily into the Barn at 6am this morning, I was shocked into wakefulness by the eye popping evidence of a burglary. Just a terrifyingly empty space where my bikes used to be and no sign of the myriad and expensive tool collection (or weapons of destruction as I like to think of them). It was obvious these were classy thieves as they’d left my commuting bike either because it clearly has absolutely no cash value whatsoever or, more likely, it was camouflaged under a year of unwashed dirt.

Continue reading “Tonight Matthew, I am Ray Charles” →

(NO) Ticket to Ride :(

On By AlexIn Bikes, Other stuff2 Comments

The builder is a jolly chap. He called us up a couple of nights ago and announced Ready to start on your barn Wednesday. Can you make sure it’s fully cleared“. Oh how we laughed. This structurally dangerous outbuilding” as the surveyor was want to sneer was resuscitated three years ago through a combination of new timbers and an industrial nail gun. Since then we gleefully stuffed it to the rafters with bikes and life crap. Until this evening anyway when a concerted effort stripped it back and unearthed forgotten items including ancient photo albums: “Daddy, that’s not you, you’ve got hair. And you’re thin“. Kids eh? Not overburdened with much social veneer.

For reasons too painfully convoluted to document here, we decided to do a second conversion adding plumbing, heating, insulation and a whole bunch of cost. The predicted but in no way definite result would be a new home office for me and a new workshop for, er, me as well. We’d lose a garage we never used and my current office becomes somewhere we can lock the kids away. But only for a couple of days at the most otherwise that’s just cruel.

We finished it tonight in the rain. Well nearly anyway.

Top Row: Stuffed in the shed: so many bikes, so little room.

Shed#6Shed#5Shed#7

Middle row: New office and workshop. Current office 🙁

Barn#2Barn#3Office

Wife’s bike gets what it deserves.

Carol's bike

How the hell am I going to go riding? A logistical planning exercise that’d tax even veterans of an Olympic bid . Short of going in thru the window, it looks as if I’ll have to reverse the entire process to even unearth a bike. And as for the tools, they’re buried behind gardening accouterments and rusty pots of suspicious liquids “ could be paint, could be abandoned wine making. No way I’m opening one to find out.

Still considering my record of tool based disasters, (motto: If it isn’t broken don’t fix it, if it is broken send it to Sideways Tim before you fuck it up beyond all possible redemption) this is probably No Bad Thing. I can get to all my other gear tho “ that’s in my office although unless I develop a late developing long jump talent, the book case is off limits for a while.

Assuming the builder is working on the same Julian calendar as the rest of us, this project should be finished before Wembley. I chose that analogy carefully as the price is similar and I’m hoping to get the Queen to open it. Failing that the queen down the road’ll do just fine.

Then I’ll have a rather splendid office and even more splendiferous workshop. Just think of the damage I can do with that much elbow room. And the piece de resistance? ˜The TOOL WALL’ with proper ˜dead tool’ outlines and millions of sockets for scary powertools; purpose unknown.

With hot and cold running water, coffee machine, sofa, DVD player and Internet access, I shall never need to go in the house again.

H’mm no wonder my wife was so keen on the project.

The Light Fantastic

On By AlexIn Bikes, Pretentious nonsense1 Comment

British Summer Time is here even if the great British Summer is not. From a riding perspective it’s a milestone eagerly anticipated by both those who have grown fat on a winter’s cycling hibernation and the rest of us who are just sick of the dark.

It had less than auspicious beginnings though. Setting off at 6am this morning it was both dark and wet. These conditions generally demand the big lurid rain jacket that has served me so well through the last three months. What I’d failed to factor in was the Spring temperatures testing and failing the previously unbothered breathable layer. Still sweaty limbs generally act as an informal seat reservation system so got to look at the upside.

Getting off the train this evening was akin to troglodytes emerging from their caves and blinking in the weak evening sunshine. That’s the great thing about the change of season; Spring brings light, double digit temps and gale force winds. The third is normally a fair price to pay for the first two but today showed all it’s fickleness by changing direction between my outward and return legs. Having struggled in against a thirty knotter, it was disappointing to find it’d swung 90 degrees and was playfully surging me into the path of oncoming traffic. Wind is like taxation “ it gets you coming and going.

Not that I was going very fast losing the battle of the big breeze, but at least provided ample time to have a good look around. Like a man coming out of a coma, I was astonished at the level of detail brought into the light. Early spring buds juxtaposed against a backdrop of dormant vegetation, a long abandoned car police aware” but still rotting it the ditch and half finished DIY projects. House building in Winter has to be up there with slamming ones wedding tackle in a desk drawer “ pointless, painful and “ on reflection “ quite silly.

It was like welcoming an old friend back, slightly annoying but a huge improvement on the squatting Lords Of Darkness who’d overstayed their welcome by 3 months. Once summer arrives though, we’ll crack open a few beers together and toast the light fantastic.