For those of you neither of mountain bike or mechanical persuasion, I heartily recommend you look away now. For the rest of you, I am seeking re-entry through the bolted door – double locked with nailed wood – which bars entry to “the tools of war“. Yes after a day where I was forced to self-harm with the “spoon of hurt“, it seemed apposite to explode violently creating a blast radius where there was once expensive bike parts.

The reasons are simple. My crushing inability to wield even the most harmless tool without the kind of collateral damage last seen during the Tet Offensive is well documented. My mental detonation was fused by a series of meetings where the word “estimating” had euphemistically replaced the rather more accurate “fucking hell, let’s just have a wild guess eh and then fuck off home”. Chiltern Railways then provided all the cerebral C4 a man can reasonably be expected to handle when abandoning us first in Rickmansworth, then ChorleyWood, then Chalfont and Latimer before grinding to a shunting halt somewhere outside Amersham.

The final spark was travelling in a suit, compressed into a carriage I’d inadvertently wandered into not realising it was reserved only for those with weapons grade body odour and a seat companion who was both fat AND sniffly. I really want my shoulder to work so I can smell at them right back and stave off arse cheeks the size of Belgium.

So right now, I’m looking at this.

Out of shot are some serious tools normally spun by men sporting a stern expression and a damp rollup behind the ear, whose only clothes are three pairs of identical oil stained overalls. The type of bloke who can rebate a dwell angle inlet valve and create almost any shape from an old nail and a stick. Copies of well thumbed “What Lathe incorporating Popular Angle Grinder” litter every horizontal surface and the remnants of a once proud engineering nation are clear to see.

I’m not like that. I’m less studied, more twitchy and far, far more destructive. I don’t want to be but when God was handing out motor skills, I was accidentally setting fire to an angel. If all that remains of something once lovely are a few collapsing atoms and a guilty expression, it’s probably been FBA. I like to think of that as Fixed By Alex although some would select a different F verb.

In front of me are a headset press, a bottom bracket facing tool, a thread reamer and a star fangled nut. No, I’ve really no idea what they are do either but each offers sufficient flat metal to receive a well directed hammer blow. But I think the frame could take it – it appears to have been hewn from deck sections of the Graf Spee and welded by uncomplicated men who bond ocean spanning bridges for their day jobs.

My last steel frame was all swoopy lines and pretty detailing. It was a wheeled gazelle, frolicking in the fields and breezily galloping down trails barely marking their surface. This frame however does not frolic. It has no truck with leaving the surface untouched – rather it stamps like an invading army beating the ground into submission and if that fails, eating it. Someone has looked at a bunch of stress models on a computer screen, thought “bugger this” and added 25{45ac9c3234d371044e23e276755ef3a4dde8f1068375defba7d385ca3cd4deb2} more thickness to every tube.

A sticker proclaims this angry amalgam of tubes is lightweight steel. But I’m not sure, I think it is a little known oxide of annoyance and hostility well hidden in the periodic table. I think it’s made of Chunk.

So I could make a start. What is the worse thing that could happen? Or for those of us with a fevered imagination, what’s the 10th worse thing that could happen? I’m having a badger* to think about it.

Oh and it’s battleship gray. Co-incidence? I think not.

* This is not some kind of nasty “bodging the badger” sexual metaphor. It’s a beer. Honest.

I’m not a man who deals well with boredom. And since I can’t ride proper bikes at the moment, I’ve already served a Sunday penance on the Turbo Trainer and jetwashed both children. In a desperate attempt to remove myself from rubbish TV, I found this nifty free add on to Firefox (similar to IE in the same way that Linux is similar and way better than Windows) which grabs web text and pictures and sends them hurtling to the hedgehog.

A picture from James showing a man winning the inaugural “Hug a Tree with your head” competition at Glentress in Scotland. An outstanding effort easily painful enough to secure first prize.

There’s a litany of pain, suffering and amusement to be found on this thread posted on Singletrackworld. My picture started it but it just gets better and better.

Another weekend where riding through mud and gloop is happening to almost everyone I know. Gloaters the lot of them, struggling through trails rendered unrecognisable by Winters’ glacial ascent over the hard packed singletrack of a forgotten summer. Like a monster from the deep, brown slop rises inexorably over your favourite tracks and the water table rises with it.

So while those lucky bastards are sliding about in freezing conditions and condemning their wallets to hard day at component replacement central, I was left to muse on an inability to bounce which seems inescapably linked to increasing age.

Back in 2001, when the world seemed a simpler place and mountain bikes replaced motorbikes as my mental illness of choice, I hardly ever hurt myself. Sure I fell off “ often “ but never injuring anything other than inflated pride and wearing the scars as this years accessory to tight lycra. That’s another thing that has changed, any attempt to squeeze myself into those riding garments would see great swathes of extra flesh trying to get back out again.

Still being rubbish will eventually catch up with you and it didn’t have to run that hard when I swapped fitness for fun. Here’s an abridged chronology of who broke what where from 2005.

Feb 2005:
Jump going badly wrong resulting in a testicle slam that broke the saddle. Yes that’s right I bent and broke a steel railed saddle with my bollocks. Feel free to grab your sack and go all cross eyed. I know I did.

May 2005
Failing to lower the saddle when pitching into the pit of doom. Spat out forward in accordance with laws of physics. Sharp flint created additional arse crack and 35lb freeride bike added all body bruising as it fell out of the sky from a great height. Onto my head.

June 2005
Target fixation on a tree while clipped in for the first time in four months. Practical experiment testing the theory that if can’t tear your eyes away from an impending tree you will hit it. Hypothesis confirmed at the cost of a cracked rib.

December 2005
Refusal to admit that crappy balance centre and fear of heights above 6 inches prevent a man from being a North Shore God. Plank bites Man. Some blood and recently repaired rib much disturbed. Sleeping optional for a week or so, breathing less so but I wish it had been.

July 2006
Six months of atheism when the Cult of the Monged was calling to others. Made a bloody sacrificial offering to Altyr Of The Broken when a tyre lost a battle of traction with gravity, and knee lost a battle of abrasion with a spikey flint. Was latterly awarded Order of the Mong, first class. Became a fervent believer in Fate, to whit her specific irritation that with yours truly.

August 2006
Second day back on the bike after interesting noughts and crosses motif inscribed on kneecap by man with wire brush and needle. Courageously removed one arm from bars on flat section of trail and was instantly transported to the horizontal. Smashed up recently healed elbow due mainly to arm pads protecting the inside of the car. Sown back up by GP’s son who’d got a pretty good idea of what to do and medicated entirely by Nurse Stella Artois for days afterwards.

January 2007
A doomed attempt at a stylish takeoff ended “ unsurprisingly “ in a footless landing with limbs vigorously attempting to escape the host before a head slam to dirt bank brought home the full meaning of deceleration trauma. Adrenalin painkillers got me home at which point pain turned up and hung around for a few days.

February 2007.
Stuffed a front wheel into a muddy ditch. Ditch deeper than anticipated with a groundhoggy ˜here we go again‘ exit over the bars. Bars provided the perfect foil for soft flesh and bruises marched from the toes upwards.

February 2007.
Stump bites man. Shoulder now on disability benefit and showing no signs of wishing to return to work.

Now there’s a school of thought much aired in the Leigh household than maybe, just maybe, this hobby is too expensive both in terms of time, hard cash and body parts. Hah, I would rather chop off the offending limb that brook even a tributary of that argument.

Because between the accidents, I was having the time of my life and until the risk/reward ratio tips firmly towards being to broken or too scared to carry on, it’ll be business as usual.

Although can someone else have a turn at crashing? Thanks.

It is more than a little disturbing to find myself lying in the same hospital bay last visited after ripping my knee open on a summer flint. That encounter traded pain for boredom over the next three days until eventually a nice man with seven years training and a wire brush removed a kneeful of trail dirt and rocks.

Stoke Mandeville hospital has lately become like a second home or the local pub. Every time I stagger into the front entrance with some imagined fatal disease, the receptionist greets me as an unwanted smelly Uncle who keeps turning up, even after the kind of hints that have an iron bar wrapped around them.

I fully expected to suffer the same six hour wait as the previous summer, and so prepared myself with a flask of coffee and a selection of periodicals with sufficient depth to keep me going long into the night. Fortified thus, it was almost a disappointment, therefore, to be called in for an educated prodding within thirty minutes of darkening the A&E doorstep.

And I’d barely started on a gripping article entitled, bevelling a radiator grill with emphasis on the waffling flange and homologising the rebate bracket� This is the type or periodical written for and written by a special but shadowy sector of the UK population; known only as the “retired“

Once the traditional lies around smoking and drinking had been documented “ much to my amusement when considering the relevance to a manky shoulder “ much wiggling and attempted rotation followed. During some extended prodding, I felt her enquiry on whether there was any pain was somewhat superfluous, since by this time I was chewing the bedpost and answering almost any questions with “arrrgghhh that bloody hurts”

A severe blow was dealt to my hypochondria once she’d announced that nothing was obviously broken, it wasn’t worth the cost of an x-ray and the best medical science could offer was Ibuprofen, ice and a concise explanation of age, injury and fast healing. Pick any two from three apparently.

The doctor’s prognosis that it may be more painful in the morning�? was absolutely spot on once you’ve exchanged more for excruciatingly. The arm works pretty well below shoulder level and partially above. The eye watering transition between the two has only been slightly dulled by a druggy concoction of aspirin, cocodemal and “ the bikers friend “ industrial strength Ibuprofen. The dosages I’m taking would probably stun a small donkey but, over the years, my body has built up a bit of a resistance.

How did it happen? Obviously I crashed the bike again. Less obviously, it was a cruel permutation of stump high mud, a stump and a narrow gulley. My foot took the initial impact before an outstretched hand took the rest as I was flipped over the bars sporting a very surprised expression. This is the classic scenario where the next thing you hear is your collarbone snapping. So this makes me lucky I guess. Not feeling terribly lucky though, now yesterdays full range of movement has long gone and been replaced by a sharp ache.

I need to stop crashing. Or learn to bounce better. The kids reckoned I should just stop riding mountain bikes. Wisdom of youth eh? I don’t think so.

The body “ even in us elder gentlemen “ is an amazing thing and the Doc confidently predicted a repair in about two weeks. Since that’s on the exact timeline of a five day riding trip to Morocco, he’d bloody better be right.

The pilot is Dave Perkins attempting the first Cross Country Front Flip only recently perfected by dirt jumpers and other nutters.

Check out the technique – the weight all the way over the front wheel, the brakes hard on and the look of abject terror as his face races towards hard pointy rock.

Amazingly he wasn’t killed. There was a collective intake of breath as he bounced down the remaining rock steps and lay motionless for a second.

But we knew all was well after patching up bleeding knees as Dave asked for a medicinal lager. It was about 9am in the morning.