I can barely bring myself to admit it. Remember the addition to my lock collection purchased only a few weeks ago? Remember why I had to buy it? Well, I’ve only gone and bloody lost it. Although I’d prefer to think of it as temporally displaced. Because what kind of idiot can lose something that is locked to something else thereby making it almost unstealable?

This kind of idiot, that’s who.

I know it’s out there somewhere, carelessly abandoned at one of a hundred jauntily painted bike stands at the station. I can narrow it down to a single platform and it’s easily identifiable by the customised ˜birdshit’ artwork I’d thoughtfully left in place. It’s a great big sodding lock conspicuously not preventing the theft of anything unless some enterprising tea leaf finds a market for three foot high U shaped metal stands in a rather fetching shade of red. I mean how hard can it be?

Too flipping hard, that’s how.

In defence of the indefensible, the last couple of days have seen me backslide into the warm caress of beer and peanuts. And I could easily have passed on the peanuts. It wasn’t that I couldn’t do without a beer, it was just that life really was quite dreadfully dull and boring when facing it sober day after day. It is said that the Scots believe the English need a couple of drams before attaining even a partial match with recognised humanity. And let’s face it they’ve got some history and experience in this area.

So lock hunting while suffering temporary social confusion is unlikely to be successful, especially when the signal to noise ratio of bikes to locks spawns an impenetrable mechanical jungle. This spring bicycle uplift has created a space problem that Chiltern Railways have proactively dealt with by the simple expedient of ignoring it. On enquiring whether their spanky new platforms will be furnished with much needed bike storage their response was an engaging thank you for your enquiry. All our operators don’t give a shit. Don’t bother leaving a message, we don’t give a monkey’s arse as we’ve already had your money.. mwwwaaahhh’. So well done them.

This rant has in no way contributed to a future where I’m joyfully reunited with the latest addition to my burgeoning lock anthology but, through the power of misdirection, maybe I won’t feel like such an idiot.

Like that’s going to happen.