Not Lawnmower Deth, a thrash metal band fronted up by Qualcast “Koffee Perkulator” Mutilator and Baron Kev Von Thresh Meister Silo Stench Chisel Marbel. Worth flicking through their extensive back catalogue if only to childishly snigger at the track titles. My favourites include the love ballad “Got No Legs? Don’t Come Crawling To Me” and the existential classic “Sumo Rabbit And His Inescapable Trap Of Doom”. Fill your boots here.
Not even the death of our aged lawnmower. God how I’ve tried to kill the useless bloody thing. It’s rubbish at mowing the grass and yet apparently indestructible. I’ve mowed cobble stones, hosed it down with a pressure washer and – in a moment of supreme but demented frustration – mowed over its’ own power cable. Barely a twitch but point it at 1in high grass with more than a nano millimetre of moisture per square mile and it’ll punish you with an electric shock before grinding to a halt.
I’m going to buy a goat. Or a sheep. Not for the lawn really, but that’s a useful by product of the darker sides of animal husbandry.
No, I may have mowed over some live plants. History tells anyone listening of my long held view that anything green should be mowed, uprooted or blasted into orbit by Agent Orange. So the following conversation shouldn’t be a surprise.
Me: “I’ve mowed the lawn and dealt with the greeny dying things”
Carol: “You mean the daffodils”
Me: “Oh is that what they were?”
Carol: “How have you dealt with them, exactly?”
Me: [thinking quickly]: “I’ve put their goodness back into the soil”
Carol: “You’ve mowed them haven’t you?”
Me: “Not exactly, they are still on the lawn, just lower”
Carol: “You’ve killed them”
Me: “No, no, they are being displayed in a new innovative ‘flat view’ manner, it’s all the rage apparently”
Carol: [sighing] “They’re dead and you’ve killed them because you’re too lazy to mow around them”
Me: “No, No, er, yes”
It’s like making bad cups of tea. If you do it long enough, people will stop asking. Anyway I can’t mow the lawn this weekend as it is underwater. I may go and lie in it for 24 hours to mentally prepare myself for the CLIC.
Failing that, who wants their money back? 😉