Lawnmower Death

Not Lawnmower Deth, a thrash metal band fronted up by Qualcast “Koffee Perkulator” Mutilator and Baron Kev Von Thresh Meister Silo Stench Chisel Marbel. Worth flicking through their extensive back catalogue if only to childishly snigger at the track titles. My favourites include the love ballad “Got No Legs? Don’t Come Crawling To Me” and the existential classic “Sumo Rabbit And His Inescapable Trap Of Doom”. Fill your boots here.

Not even the death of our aged lawnmower. God how I’ve tried to kill the useless bloody thing. It’s rubbish at mowing the grass and yet apparently indestructible. I’ve mowed cobble stones, hosed it down with a pressure washer and – in a moment of supreme but demented frustration – mowed over its’ own power cable. Barely a twitch but point it at 1in high grass with more than a nano millimetre of moisture per square mile and it’ll punish you with an electric shock before grinding to a halt.

I’m going to buy a goat. Or a sheep. Not for the lawn really, but that’s a useful by product of the darker sides of animal husbandry.

No, I may have mowed over some live plants. History tells anyone listening of my long held view that anything green should be mowed, uprooted or blasted into orbit by Agent Orange. So the following conversation shouldn’t be a surprise.

Me: “I’ve mowed the lawn and dealt with the greeny dying things
Carol: “You mean the daffodils
Me: “Oh is that what they were?
Carol: “How have you dealt with them, exactly?
Me: [thinking quickly]: “I’ve put their goodness back into the soil
Carol: “You’ve mowed them haven’t you?
Me: “Not exactly, they are still on the lawn, just lower
Carol: “You’ve killed them
Me: “No, no, they are being displayed in a new innovative ‘flat view’ manner, it’s all the rage apparently
Carol: [sighing] “They’re dead and you’ve killed them because you’re too lazy to mow around them”
Me: “No, No, er, yes”

It’s like making bad cups of tea. If you do it long enough, people will stop asking. Anyway I can’t mow the lawn this weekend as it is underwater. I may go and lie in it for 24 hours to mentally prepare myself for the CLIC.

Failing that, who wants their money back? 😉

4 thoughts on “Lawnmower Death

  1. “I may go and lie in it for 24 hours to mentally prepare myself for the CLIC.”

    Sounds like superb training for mayhem too.(Also one of the funnies things I ‘ve read for ages too)

    Fat Lad

  2. NBT

    At last, another connoisseur! My personal favourites are “Watch out Grandma, here comes a lawnmower” and the timeless classic “I got the clap and me knob fell off“. They were far better than their label mates band (and the band with whom they shared a record – remember them? !2” of vinyl audio goodness?), Metal Duck, although admittedly I did enjoy the free packets of cheesy puffs that they threw into the crowd during live gigs when they played their “hit” record “Cheese Puff Deth Squad

    Ahhh, those were the days….

  3. MikeD

    The daffodils thing reminds me of a Top Gardening Tip – how to tell valuable plants from weeds. Simply attempt to pull them up – if they come up easily, they’re valuable plants.

  4. Alex

    I tried to wing it with “wow, look at the contemporary elliptical pattern the stalks have made” but I’m not sure I pulled it off.

    I am the living death of plants. Anything cared for by my brake-fluid soaked hand just curls up and dies.

    Lawnmowing and digging of holes is about the limit of my ambition.

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