“It just works”

Right there is the strap-line from the Apple Fundamentalists on a personal crusade to convert us heathen Windows users to The One True Way. Apple may not be the only fruit , but don’t try that line of argument with this lot unless you’re keen to include some form of Jihad in your list of personal goals.

You may have noticed a slightinconsistencyin my technology messages through the flip-flopping of “what’s broken this week?” and similar crushing disappointments. In my defence, it’s hard not to feel asoupçonof vexation when something that just works just bloody doesn’t.

It’s probably my fault. Man and boy steeped in IT lore with 20+ years against the RamPack has put me in a position where I don’t seem to understand anything. A masterful career choice I’m sure you’ll agree.

I sort of understood Windoze. You accepted it was going to be a bit rubbish, would require updating every nine seconds, had build inobsolescenceas a revenue generator and randomly crash with some splendid message to the tune of “0x455320 Parity Error“. It was even sort of comforting. I speak from recent experience after Carol’s hard drive entered a graunchy terminal death spiral leaving us the joyful task of installing Windows 7 on a new one.

Not much works. Plug the camera in and it’s an electronic raspberry down the Internet trumpet. Attempt to print something and the fancy UI does nothing but surface that parity error with nice rounded aero corners. My good friend Frank who is properly competent in all things desktop has pronounced it almost dead on arrival and recommended – seriously – a course of action which involves throwing everything away except for the new hard drive.

I’m pretty much okay with that if I can do the throwing. As in I’ll be throwing an axe and the system unit shall be more the “throwee“. The MacBook tho stalks a higher ground full ofsatisfiedexpressions and infinite smugness. Macs don’t go wrong ever – even saying such a thing means a kitten dies somewhere. Really, that’s the prevailing view I took during full immersion into iClone at the London Store.

Like I say, it’s probably my fault. I installed some google software on it so therefore should be grateful that such stream-crossing* lunacy was not rewarded by electronic parps emitted at high speed followed by a controlled explosion of the processor. I’m sure the fan speed increased as it attempted to fight itself out of the metal case rather than be stuck inside with the enemy.

It’s not totally broken. It performs more than adequately if tethered to a power socket. On the battery? Not so much. This – I feel – is a serious flaw in any portable device. At best it’s a health and safety nightmare as I travel around the house trailing cables at ankle height, at worst it’s shopping for a 150 mile extension lead to allow me to work on the way into London.

Not good. Not good at all. Which brings me to Apple support. Lovely people, located in-country and not hidden behind more than five minutes of virtual barbed wire. Sadly any conversation which starts with “waa ai man” and finishes with “champion” generally has bits in between filled with not much other than bewildered silence.

So it’s off down the menders when I’m next in Brum. Apparently I have to make an appointment. I assume crashing it through the window with the force of a few lost evenings is an adequate way of presenting my credentials.

New iPhone tho. That’s lovely. No back button, but I’m sure I’ll find it in time. Although I barely dare touch it as a) it was SILLY MONEY and b) a few swipes from Mr. IT Jonah here shall likely be the end of it.

I must be the only man in the entire global field of apple sheep that has not yet downloaded Angry Birds. I feel a better way to ease my frustration through pointless activity shall be to savagely smash my head against this table until the feelings of mild irritation subside.

Still looking for something happy and uplifting to finish on, at least my future earnings potential/possible requests for food parcels is not predicated on a thorough understanding of how computers work 😉

* don’t make me explain it. Everyone in the world has watched ghostbusters by now surely?

5 thoughts on ““It just works”

  1. Alex

    I feel today, I’ll have to take it like a man.

    Revenge, however, is a dish best served cold. Next time in the forest matey, watch out for the spoke stick!

  2. Al, you know me well enough to have realised that taking the piss is one step from me getting a swift kick in the tabs by my ol’ mucker Karma..

    Think the now infamous ‘poof pad’ comment which was quickly followed by a trip down a steep slope and into a patch of man hating nettles..

    Something electrical is bound to explode on me in the next five minu

  3. Alex

    Currently mine is fine after two damp trips to Tewkesbury to retrieve it. It had better behave itself tho otherwise it may fall to the “IT Troubleshooting Axe”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.