That’s what Carol did today; she walked into the voting booth in our local village and asked who we’d failed to bribe in order to receive a voting ballet. I’d assumed our lack of political capital was because there was some ritual with a tea tray, frisky chicken, window ledge and amusing handshake we’d forgotten to undertake. Either that or our ineligibility was sealed with having only the four fingers and one thumb on each hand.

Now you all know Winston Churchill was wrong and I am right. Because his view was that Democracy is a terrible thing, but what’s the alternative? Mine’s right here Winny, and we’re talking benevolent dictatorship – an extremely small pointy topped ruling party with me both at the top and brandishing the pointy thing. I’ve already allocated the key government posts of “Keeper of the Scorpion Pits” and “Head of Cheese” although I’ve been considering upgrading “Expenses Adjudicator/Baseball bat tester” to full cabinet status.

I wasn’t going to vote anyway because – as I’ve said before – it just encourages them. And my own political ambitions – constrained by our dumb democracy – were thwarted by apathy and sobriety, hence the “five door hatchback party” was stillborn as a single issue party. Leaving those who believe a protest vote has some validity voting for the fascist bastard’s or Major Loony and the Hang’em high silly sods.

And before someone – and there is always one -starts giving it the “my grandad fought and died for democracy, the least you could do is show it some respect“, just stop because you’re wrong. Badly, as it turns out because many, many brave people went into battle because a) they were told to and b) the Germans bombed their dads’ chip shop. There’s a great quote attributed to Bill Vaughan (but I don’t think it’s him) that goes “People will cross an ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote for it”

I always though Universal Suffrage was missing an important ‘e‘. Sure allowing the “ordinary man” (rather lamentably followed by the ordinary woman) to vote on whose in charge was a big improvement that that vote being taken by those who already were. But it’s not like it’s going to make much of a difference is it? They’re all power seeking crooks with the morals of a heroin spiked alley cat.

It’s like the BBC TV license, I’m forced to pay it, but that doesn’t give me the editorial control to set fire to “The X-Factor” studio. But, at least I can throw things at the TV, or – as I am increasingly doing – turn it off. But I can’t do that with politicians, they grease up to your door, bombard you from billboards, score pointless inter-party points and so separated from our reality they should consider marriage counselling.

And there’s a beautiful – if twisted – irony that the electorate have only re-engaged with politics now the slimy twats in apparent power have been caught with their finger in the till. I honestly wouldn’t worry about that too much – it has merely proven what we already knew and, given the chance, we’d all do the same – but it’s a bloody concern that such incompetence can somehow collectively run a country.

So anyway, we found our house isn’t on the electoral roll, and we’ll probably get round to fixing it, but it did amuse me that the Inland Revenue, NHS, and a myriad of assorted public bodies can find where we live. But if I wanted to vote for them, I was told “you can’t vote today, sorry that’s the system”

I’m struggling to care.