Behemoth

Is that how you spell it? I always wondered if there was a little trammeled branch of the hive where a happily Darwinian selected bee converts pollen to beer. And if so, the queen must have spent most of her life pissed. Still with that much procreation going on, she was entitled to a few sharpeners before the next thousand eggs were due.

Or is it a cross between a Bee and a Moth? Hell of a mating ritual that must have been – “fuck off out of it, I’m shagging this light“. Ok, just to prove that occasionally I embark in a crusade of research trawling at least one venerable institute of known facts before giving up and typing it into Wiki, here’s the official version “the word is most likely a plural form of בהמה (bÉ’hÄ“māh (“animal”)). It may be an example of pluralis excellentiae, a Hebrew method of expressing greatness by pluralising a noun; it thus indicates that Behemoth is the largest and most powerful animal.”

There will be a scorpion of behemoth proportion waiting to be dropped into the trousers of whoever decided plural was a verb. However, aside from this, it’s a pretty accurate description of the monster which held me hostage this evening.
It's a monster!

That picture doesn’t even begin to do it justice. If I’d be brave enough to place a compact family car next to the angrily buzzing killer, it would barely have cast it into shadow. Trapped in the barn, it flipped the internal psycho lever and proceeded to headbutt every flat service including frightened bits of me. At one terrifying juncture, it had me trapped in a corner so I cravenly called for Carol to come and deal with it. Using extreme violence if necessary.

Her attempts to pacify the winged phantom of death were based on a no nonsense approach of prodding it from the safety of a long brush. Strangely enough, this had the opposite effect, and soon the crazed beast crossed the boundary from “bloody angry” to suicidally insane” – a change identified by an increase in buzzing volume accompanied by a lowering of the frequency. Essentially, at this point it had turned into the animal equivalent of a Stuka dive bomber.

After failing to actually mortally wound anyone, it retired to a light fitting to regain its’ strength. I wasn’t sure if it was dead or merely having a breather while calling in the artillery. I desperately attempted to out stare it until it became apparent that Genetically Modified Bees don’t blink- it wastes good killing time.

Eventually through an act of selfless bravery that I am far too modest to recount, the flying reaper was dispatched from whence it came. Which I assume is one of Dante’s nine levels of hell. Probably near the bottom.

Anyway I’m fine thanks for asking. A little preoccupied though as eBay isn’t offering up any previously enjoyed motion sensitive machine guns last seen being looted off the Berlin Wall. Next time, I’ll be ready.

4 thoughts on “Behemoth

  1. dave

    i’ve decided after reading far to much of this blog and not trying to snigger in the office (so generally snorting instead – which gets just as many stares you understand) a response should be given.

    wimp.. it’s a bee and ok it may be the size of a small car but still it stings you and then dies so most of the time it won’t want to sting you! and getting the wife involved.. jeez!

  2. Alex

    Not much of a deterrent that is it? Am I pissing you off enough you’re prepared to die stinging me? Actually that one attempted to butt me to death instead.

    As for calling in the wife, it was that or sacrificing one of the children 😉

  3. dave

    surely that’s all children are there for? sacrifice.. i mean look at that bike ride you carefully planned a stinging nettle clearance sacrifice so you could have a clear path..

    don’t worry i won’t let social know! 😉

    (can you tell i don’t have any?)

  4. Alex

    No, no that’s the “giving them an interesting challenge” card being played there. If the social turn up and ask why your kids are covered in nettle rash and mentally scarred by desperate traffic situations, you just look appalled and say “it’s all about their personal development”.

    I’m trying a similar approach at work 🙂

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