That’s me. Grumpy in the winter, generally morose in the Spring, Raging impotently at the Summer, and depressed come winter. So I’m not going to regale you with a slight lowering of the miserable co-efficient because we’ve passed the shortest day, instead showcasing my bold new approach to the rather moribund and out-of-touch seasonal edges.

Every cyclist is obsessed by two things, the weather and the potential for benightment*, one of which are largely driven by seasonal properties while the other an increasing factor of rich countries’ appallingly arrogant attitude to climate change. But leaving aside the tedious fact that we’re burning the planet with our rapacious attitude to making money, the months and the seasons make sense but the ordering doesn’t.

I’ve always understood the coldness or otherwise of the weather is largely based on how much Sun the ground receives and at what strength. Right so why would we start the Winter season AFTER the equinox where the big yellow orb has already passed its’ lowest point. Surely warmth should follow light and February is therefore less dark and cold than November. I partially accept this doesn’t appear to be the prevailing weather conditions over the last few hundred years, but I’m with the sceptics here so the word Trend is merely a bunch of letters starting with T.

Anyway here’s my proposal, Winter now sits snugly either side of the Solstice, so spring starts February 1 and finishes at the end of April. Summer (with a modernist alternative name “Monsoon Season“) runs May through July, leaving Autumn to round off the year with August, September and October being far more appropriate than chucking December in.

Admit it, it’s brilliant and I’m going to slip it into negotiations when someone in authority actually answers my email which can be simply summarised “GMT? What the fuck’s all that about, BST all year please“. Talking of someone in Authority, I’ve been talking to Carol about stuff revolving – predictably – about a lack of bicycles even tho – as she was keen to point out – a new one appeared less than a week ago. And none have gone the other way.

However, finally won over/bored beyond belief by my watertight logic and impassioned argument, she’s agreed that Yes, I do need an ST4, right now with no point waiting since it’d be at least£20 more after the VAT increase. So I’ve ordered one, and made a positive commitment to thin out the thicket of bicycles that have now overspilled into my office. I’m downsizing to 4 next Spring (Starting March 1 remember) when the three season MTB’rs emerge from hibernation, blinking in the sunlight and in desperate need of a shiny new RetroBike/Ti Frame/CX Bike.

Probably. More likely than our glorious leaders deciding they’d rather do the wrong thing for the wrong reasons, because it’s far more important they get re-elected.

* And most mountain bikers would like trail condition, kit blinginess, tyre choice, fashista status and the next new thing to be taken into consideration.