Uplifting ideas.

A few of my saner friends have openly questioned my suitability for the position of World Dictator. While I appreciate and respect their candidness, this type of seditious talk shall end with their brief – yet stimulating – visit to the scorpion pit.

I’ve no time for this new fangled democracy. In my world, it’s strictly one man, one vote and I’m the man with that vote. So once domination of the entire earth has been achieved through a combination of the structured agenda, superbly crafted emails and the unleashing of my mighty pivot tables, there are going to be some changes.

I’m more your evolutionary revolutionary, so fundermental policy change shall be delivered in a number of small steps. Firstly lifts.

Lifts will not stop at any floor below the third level. In a single stroke, I shall cure obesity, remove the need for Gym membership and winkle out anyone likely to be a strain on the Health Service. To ensure sufficient daily exercise, all meetings will involve at least two visits to the ground floor and tardiness shall be met by electric cattle prod.

Until lift manufacturers are ready with the new systems, a tactical change will ensure the request for services to floors one and two be met with a shouted announcement “GET OUT OF THIS LIFT AND UP THE STAIRS YOU LAZY BUGGERS”.

And the cattle prod.

See, I’m getting the hang of it already. If – and I know almost none of you aspire to the call of the higher office – you were leader of the world, what would your first rule change be?

My door is always open to new ideas, but remember the scorpions are ready for any wishy washy nonsense or anyone owning a folding bicycle.

14 thoughts on “Uplifting ideas.

  1. The policy unit have come up with these for consideration:-

    -the entrance width of take away retail units shall be inversely proportional to the calorific content of the goods supplied therein.

    -the offence of driving a car containing a child within one mile of a school between the hours of 8.30am-9am shall be punishable by death (commutable to life should the number of children exceed three).

    -all 4×4’s shall be adapted to treadmill power only.

    -plastic packaging for sweets shall be made illegal. All confectionary must be incased within organic vegetables, the disposal of which by any other means other than eating shall be punishable by a 10k run.

    -all out of town supermarkets shall be surrounded by a chlorinated, heated moat of 100m minimum width.

    -TV licenses shall move to a “pay per view” structure. Payment methods accepted shall be calorific not monetory.

    -mandatory weekly forehead henna tattoes of “I’m a fat bastard” for those over 13 stone in weight. “(It’s a gland problem)” to be added on submission of a doctors note.

    I think that’s all quite reasonable and the liberals shouldn’t baulk at any of that.

  2. Ian

    Well, these are a bit rough around the edges, but I’m sure Al’s secret police will be able to get them somewhere close..

    Anyone ordering a big mac, extra fries and an apple pie, but chooses Diet coke shall be cattle prodded

    Pink Bike owners will be made to prove the benefit the colour of the bike has on their riding.. if no real benefit can be proven, it will be the cattle prod (albeit a nice dark masculine coloured one)

    Playstations and all other ‘gaming stations’ will be retrofitted with treadmill power supplies

    ahh.. the feeling of power ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. I believe we should accept that with existing fat/lazy bastards, this is a lost cause and they should just be boiled down to make soap or something.

    The education should being with the weak and pliable minds of children. You’ve got to make losing weight fun though so how about organising a fell race about mid-november, all your chidren pit themselves against the elements and each other and only the winners get christmas presents. Sure, the younger children are more likely to luck out here but it’ll make them strong. Children who find themselves without siblings (for example, after the terrible fell race fog of ’06), should be expected to face three rounds against a honey badger if they wish to partake of the christmas spirit.

  4. Alex

    Well, well what a seam of exciting ideas and deep felt prejudice we’re mining here ๐Ÿ™‚ This is EXACTLY the kind of grass roots, out of the closet policy making a benevolent dictatorship needs.

    There may be some accusations of us being “fattest” here but I’m having none of it because:

    a. It’s nonsense. Have you ever heard of anybody being accused of “Thinnest”. I *just* managed not to do a very bad taste joke here.

    b. Alienation of minority groups such as, for example, folding cycle owners is a key tenet of my vote winning strategy.

    However, if anyone suggest sanctions against ego-ridden, balding, over 40 rubbish bike riders, I’m warming up the spiders. And Ian, It’s LIGHT PURPLE not Pink and I think you may wish to consider your tone in future unless you’re looking for a personal, close up viewing of arachnophobia ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Niall

    As a bit of a porker myself can I request an exemption for all those who at least ride their bikes occasionally? ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. dave

    cars will be retro fitted with a device that calculates mileage. Anyone that does more than 2 trips below 2 miles a week will be sent to a gulag in some far flung shetland island.

    it seems harsh but it’ll weed out those ‘unecesarries’.

    Also anyone, i mean ANYONE owning a shell suit, burberry (real or fake), or a car with a post-production fitted rear spoiler (tea-tray) will suffer the same fate.

  7. there’s definately a lot of scope here for cumulation of penalties too. A porker in a shell suit driving a car with an aftermarket spoiler is going to find himself in a whole lot of trouble that no amount of weekend bike pootling is going to extract him from.

    This intolerant middle aged fantasy world is going to be so good to live in, assuming I don’t develop a taste for Burberry in my post-40 mid-afternoon years.

  8. Alex

    Yegads I’ve created a monster! Niall, you’ll be fine as ‘pickled friends of the hedgehog’ shall not be subject to the more extreme areas of policy outlined here. In fact, I am already considering you for the extremely important position as “head of cheese”

    We appear to have embarked on Grumpy Old Men (Internet Edition) for which I – for one – am justifiably proud.

    Next up, harpoons to be issued to the chosen few and a pound to be earned for each folding rider speared and stuck on a spike, to set an example.

  9. dave

    it’s been pointed out many times that i have a tendancy to be a grumpy old man, trouble is i’ve yet to gain the ‘old’ or ‘middle-age’ age bracket. i’m blaming the home brew ๐Ÿ˜‰

    hmm speaking of which there should definately be an exclusion of anybody who drinks lager or cider on a regular basis (more than once a month).. they can be sent to that gulag too!

    but i’m open to discussion on this one.

  10. Tim

    Airline baggage weight limits should be the cumulative weight of you and your stuff. And there should be a similar thing to the ‘does your hand baggage fit in this’ cage for ‘Does your arse fit in this?’

    Even if I took my freeride bike, it and me weigh about 15 stone in total and yet I/we have to pay more to take our bikes.

  11. Niall, sorry all fat bastards are for the (not so) high jump with no exceptions. I’ve had to suffer years of comment on my lack of girth whilst HR policy forbids me pointing out the fleshy accessories of my esteemed colleagues.

    Good call on lager dave, but I think the caveat of “major brand” needs to be added.

  12. Alex

    The idea of an airline “arseometer” certainly has merit. I do feel tho that we’re becoming a bit of a single issue dictatorship. It’s looking like my world domination slogan shall be “Fat and Lazy People Will Be Persecuted”.

    Good as any I suppose ๐Ÿ˜‰

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