I’ll do anything for cash

Well not quite anything although the localised credit crunch in our bank account may well push me into displaying myself naked on the Internet. Still we don’t need 50p that badly and anyway, the sheep is demanding 20{45ac9c3234d371044e23e276755ef3a4dde8f1068375defba7d385ca3cd4deb2} of any royalties.

So far this month the tax man cometh and rapidly goeth away after collecting a bagful of cash, and the Honda garage is celebrating record profits since the disturbingly gleeful Service Manager exclaimed “Oh Sir! Do come in and sit down. Your car needs the REALLY EXPENSIVE service“.

With us laundering Sterling at a frightening rate to various tourist agencies in New Zealand and the potential fiscal implosion that is replacing Carol’s car, I’ve been tracking the price of small children on eBay. Except of course you can’t sell kids on the open market – I know this because their teachers urged them to contact Social Services if we ever tried.

But don’t feel sorry for me.

[Places ear trumpet to wibblyworld and listens carefully]

Right OK, You don’t feel sorry for me but feel sorry for those kids I’m raising money for. Now I know this is already taking on the virtual aspect of a broken record*, so I’m going to make you an offer. And no, it has almost nothing to do with webcams, sheep, leather waistcoats and runic chanting**.

Instead, donate a quid and I’ll write you something. And I know this is a conceit of epic proportions but the more I learn about Clic-Sargent, the greater my desire to prostitute myself to any bidder. Limited as my skills are, some expectation setting is probably necessary. So here are some newspapery categories in which I feel I could craft*** something:

– Local Reporting: Man bites dog
– From our foreign correspondant: Man eats dog.
– Special interest story: Man has sex with dog
– Mystic Hedge: Man turns into dog
– Helpline “In a pickle”: Is it ok to teach my dog to perform blowjobs?

Frankly, it’d be a public service doling out content that isn’t related to bikes, commuting and the many uses of a grouting compound. Don’t just think of the almost infedesible pleasure of being published on a website occaisonally read by people you’ve never met, but consider also their delight in bettering themselves with – for example – an educationally vibrant debate on “What would this country look like, if run by llamas?

That’s got to be worth a quid of anyone’s money. And for that carrot, there is this stick – otherwise I’ll be forced to go with option 1. And that’s just not fair on the sheep!

* for younger readers of the Hedgehog, this was a rather lovely piece of analogue technology that the iPod generation killed.

** Never again dare I look at what search words which spike the unwary to the site.

*** Make up

5 thoughts on “I’ll do anything for cash

  1. NBT

    – Local Reporting: Man bites dog
    – From our foreign correspondant: Man eats dog.
    – Special interest story: Man has sex with dog
    – Mystic Hedge: Man turns into dog
    – Helpline In a pickle: Is it ok to teach my dog to perform blowjobs?

    In that vein, I know you’ll appreciate this

    A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

    “Let’s have sex with a dog?” asked the zoophile
    “Let’s have sex with the dog and then torture it.” says the sadist
    “Let’s have sex with the dog, torture it and then kill it.” shouted the murderer
    “Let’s have sex with the dog, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again.” said the necrophile.
    “Let’s have sex with the dog, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it.” said the pyromaniac.

    There was silence and then the masochist said “Woof”.

  2. Grahame

    So the deal is this, is it?

    We promise cash to the charidee of your choice, and you recycle an old joke for us?

    Fair enough, I’ll stump up a donation.

  3. Alex

    Grahame. Yep, business as usual but now I’m trying to guilt you out of some cash. I think of this as “aligning myself to government policy”.

    Fat-Lad. Thanks very much. Anything you like, drop me an line via the contact tab and I’ll make something up.

    Anyone else who’d like to follow the fine example set by our rotund younger gentlemen can do so either via the site direct or by hitting “donate” over there. The latter is preferable but all monies gratefully received 🙂

    I do like the name of that Jpeg. It makes me feel quite dirty 😉

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